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“Nationals October 2019

Marriage! Are You Ready?

| June 21, 2010, 10:35 AM | 5 Comments

Hey Everybody! So, I technically did not get an email/letter for advice but this topic came up this past weekend with four different couples. I feel it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty of it. I want FULL feedback about this.

TOPIC: Marriage
Issues: When is the right time for someone to get married? Why do most men seem to take sooo long to propose to someone whom they’ve been with for sooo many years?

My response: Marriage is starting to mean very different things to people. Growing up, it was looked at as a great tradition that was surrounded by people who loved and respected your relationship and choice. It was about your Dad giving you away, the tears as you said the vows, shaking like crazy, and the BIG smooch at the end.

Now – its a circus! Fights, crying, debates – and so much more. I believe if you are going to get married – you do it right. Its 2010 and things have changed. Customs have been broken and we need to make sure we aren’t the cursed generation full of divorces. Live with your partner, spend as much time together (and away) as you can to see how well you work together and apart. It’s OK to fight – but it’s not OK to abuse one another [mentally, physically, or emotionally]. And socialize together and see how you both do with each others’ friends and families. I’m a huge advocate for living together before marriage!

You need to know everything about the other person so there are no surprises later on. Do not try to change people. If they have really bad habits – that they do not want to change, guess what? They aren’t going to change them. So move on, save your breath and the stress. Trust me, we all want to save someone but it does not happen very often.

Women need to learn to be dependent on no one- especially their man. Make your own money, pay your own bills, and be your own person. Men need to feel like a man. They need to do the following: finish school or trade, enter their preferred career, enjoy their hobbies and have a good support system–family and guy friends. Without those things, men fall apart.

Here is a personal experience:

Couple A:

Description: Been together for over 6 years, live at home with their parents, steady jobs, pay some bills and have different interests

Response: There is no rush to be married. We intend on getting married in maybe 8 years or so but no real plan.  I want to save up a lot of money first. We are most likely going to start living together in a year or so.

Couple B:

Description: Been together for a year. Live together with parents. One has a focused career – the other has a job but looking for more, independent, and have varying interests.

Female Response: Why not get married? What is the real difference? Why should a girl wait around for someone to ‘find’ themselves and be where they want to be.  The bio-clocks are ticking and before too long, it’ll be too late.

Male Response: There is absolutely no reason to be getting married anytime soon. I am not where I want to be right now nor do I have the money.

Couple C:

Description: Been together for over six years. Hardworking – one is in the military and has a steady income – the other is a student who works and believes to have found a career path. Live separately – with parents.

Male Response: Gets upset at the thought of fully committing. Feels she needs to finish school and decide what she wants. He wants to reach certain goals before marriage and kids.  He is pretty sure this is the right girl, he is just not ready to make the jump yet.

Female Response: Is upset he thinks she’s not where she wants to be. She is happy where she is and does not want to finish school. She wants to be married! She does not feel any goals will come before middle age. Has attempted many talks – with little success on the topic.

Couple D:

Description: Been together for 2 years. Live together. One has a job but hates the career field and wants out. He has a lot of goals and dreams that are clouding the present. She is struggling to keep occupied with a job and continue her education. Very similar interests but very different paths.

Female Response: Fears marrying someone who has nothing set in stone – and constantly has goals. Is not in a rush to be married but worries of how hard it may be to trust the idea of marriage.  Completely offended that her partner feels he “has” to make more money than her. Believes a guy does feel less manly without playing his ‘role’ that society or in this case a book – has provided him.

Male Response: Refuses to get married until his goals are reached and his potential has been hit. Does not feel he can love someone else completely until he loves himself. He also does not want the female making more money then he does. He is convinced he is with the right person – just wants to be at a better place with his life first.

I want your input! Are you single? Taken? Been engaged? Are engaged? Married? Divorced? Share your story!!

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Category: OPINION

About the Author - The Essentials by Chanel

A short and witty young professional with tons of advice for you to grasp onto. I can cover anything from relationships to small business management to modeling to photography to career changes to having babies. Bring it on!

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Comments (5)

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  1. Sandra says:

    Very well-written. I looked for more articles by Chanel and wasn’t able to find any. I hope for many more in the future.

    The idea of living together before marriage is controversial and there are pros and cons to both sides. You cannot change a person and living with them is a sure way to learn each other and to learn how/if you can live with one another. I am for living together before marriage, but against moving in together too quickly. Like marriage, it is something that should be talked about, thought about and entered into with clear heads and hearts – and a plan for chores and the future.

    I think our society has lost track of how serious marriage is. I think it’s become more about the wedding – the party, the dress, the food, the music, the gifts – than about the actual act of marriage. Marriage is a forever bond with someone that should be worked on not broken when things get hard.

    I am 26 years old now, an age at which many of my friends are getting married without being seen as “too young” to do so. I used to think there were certain ages at which I had to do things – finish college, start and get settled into my career path, get married, own a house, have children, and so on. Having completed the first two, the old me would have focused on the last three. My point of view now is that things will happen when it is time. Treating marriage as a game of beat-the-clock is a mistake and more often than not, ends in failure.

    Let’s bring back the sacred act marriage was intended to be. The vows, the promise of forever – in good times and in bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health – till death do you part. Because that’s love is – Till death do you part.

  2. John Frenaye says:

    I tend to agree. It is too easy to divorce these days and most (yes going out on a limb there) people do not take marriage nearly as seriously as they should.

  3. Fred Shubbie® says:

    ” Issue : When is the right time for someone to get married? Why do most men seem to take sooo long to propose to someone whom they’ve been with for sooo many years?”

    Answer: If a woman is waiting for a proposal she is being passive and deserves what she gets. That being said, clearly given the astronomical divorce rate there is not ‘right’ time to get married. But one might want to do a risj assessment before entering such a business arrangement when the dissolution of the marriage contract is a messy and adversarial undertaking.
    There are no rules for everyone, Take me for instance, I would never be with a woman that could not command at least a 6 figure income and deliver for me children with the requisite IQ. I can not have my genius IQ watered-down by an inferior intgelligence gene on her part. Luckily my wife is able to meet my expectations.

    Sure there is a large sexual component to marriage, let’s take for granted that given the fact that I have obtained my current partner. this particular component is VERY large ; ) The rest is academic.

    But Chanel, can we talk ? Are you married ?

  4. Barbara says:

    I am 51 and very married to wonderful partner for 16 years. I worked for the majority of my married life, and was a single mother for about 3 years.
    In all three of your scenerios the couples all seem to about themselves, they do not have any comments about what their goals are for each other or together. That is a huge part of the problem with couples today, while it is important to have your own friends, and some things that you do away from each other, doing things together and having mutual friends, joint accounts, and sharing things are what make you a couple. How can you be sharing your life with someone if you are living separate lives, and have different sets of friends, and dont even share bank accounts…it does not work, at least not for very long.

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