January 31, 2023
Annapolis, US 44 F

Silk, Lace & Everything Nice?

Dear Chanel, essentials

I have been in a serious relationship for several years. Recently I found out he cheated on me while we were in a long distance relationship a very long time ago. I chose to stay with him because he grew from the event and realized it was a mistake. In revenge, I had relations with an older man. I immediately told my boyfriend about it and we both agreed to move forward. We have all moved on and our relationship couldn’t be better.

Well… this is where it gets complicated. The older man hasn’t fully moved on. I’ve been blunt with him and told him it was just a one time thing. He has recently started to give me gifts. One of those gifts is a gift card for lingerie. Is it ok to accept the gift and buy lingerie for my boyfriend? And if he asks how I can afford lingerie like this- do I tell him?

Pampered & Confused!

Dear Pampered & Confused,

Good to hear you guys made it through a challenging situation–sometimes it can be hard to overcome things from the past.  As far as Mr. Whips & Chains over there goes – does your boyfriend know this guy is still lingering around? If he does not know, do you think he’d be able to keep his cool finding out since it was a long time ago; or would he be pretty hot headed knowing this was the guy who took a part in a cheating revenge scheme?

I would consider your man before accepting the present. Is it a birthday or early Christmas present or is Mr.Whips & Chains simply just giving you money for lingerie? Mr. Whips & Chains is giving you a gift card for lingerie knowing there is someone else in your life. Did you tell him you’d be buying this for your man’s eyes and not his? Was he actually okay with it? If so – he seems pretty disturbed. I say this because what satisfaction is he receiving from this?

However, I can’t entirely let you off the hook either. How are you able to justify that the lace baby doll dress you are using to seduce your man, is technically a gift from the man who you used to get even with your boyfriend?

Now, who wouldn’t love free lingerie? I, for one, love lingerie and to save $50 on a nice outfit – is even better! Unfortunately, you are allowing this guy to come into your love life by accepting this gift card. You also mentioned other gifts – I am curious if you accepted those and what they were, and if you told your boyfriend.

I want to turn the tables to help you see how your boyfriend may view this situation. If the woman he slept with awhile back called him up one evening and told him that she was not over him and wanted him back – would you be upset? Would you be mad that he even spoke to her?

Let’s take this a step further – let’s say, they decided to meet up – good intentions on your man’s part. On their hang out at the mall, they choose to go to Victoria’s Secret because she offered to pick out a lingerie outfit for you. He comes home with a nicely wrapped hot pink box and you unwrap it to reveal this sexy little number, you throw it on, strut into the bedroom and thank him for the gift – followed by asking him how did he pick out such a perfect outfit.

I feel like the entire mood would shatter within one second the moment he says, ” Remember Vicky? The woman I told you I slept with awhile back. Well we met up, she offered to buy a piece of lingerie and obviously I dont want her to wear it. So, its a gift for you, well us.”

I am sorry but I would either be halfway out that door or throwing it in his face or something! That is a whole case of emotions about to be unleashed. Now – all couples are different. If you would seriously tolerate him doing something like that – then, go for it! Take the gift card, find something for the holiday season and go to town.

However, if you do realize that this would not go over too well. Decline the gift, explain that you have someone in your life. Then be sure to tell your boyfriend about the lingering Mr.Whips & Chains and how you handled it. This can become a dangerous situation if he takes things too far or it could damper your current relationship for the worse.

Let me know what you decide to do and how everything played out.


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  1. I thought that was a really good response Chanel, written from a lot of different angles. However, I think that if maybe she first discussed it with her man, and told him about the gifts that yes, she should definitely try to make it more clear to “Mr. Whips and Chains” that she’s not interested at all, but I mean, a free 50 bucks towards awesome lingerie? I’d so keep that.

  2. I would say don’t take the gift card! although it was a nice gesture this older man is trying to keep you close but far away at the same time he is trying to wine and dine you with gifts, hoping there is more then that one time thing, or that you will have a change in heart. Sorry but not every way to a girls heart is through nice things. If the older man hasn’t gotten the hint yet that you don’t want to have anything to do with him, definitely tell your boyfriend and make sure you make it clear to the other man that you don’t want anything to do with him and if he persist with presents and such go about maybe getting a order put on him. Just be very weary of this older mans actions and be truthful with your boyfriend at all times, so no miss interpreted information comes about. Just keep your head up and always be true to yourself above all, and always beware of the difference between right and wrong in situations! :)

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