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“Nationals October 2019

Mr. Empty Agenda

| December 09, 2009, 02:47 PM | 2 Comments

Dear Chanel, essentials

I am in a bind. I have the woman of my dreams in my life and yet, there is one thing that just is not settling within my soul. I am constantly stuck between my friends and her. Do not get me wrong it’s not that they do not get along or that they make me choose between them. My ultimate problem is I never keep plans with anyone. Commitment is not a friend of mine and never will be. I tend to withdraw myself until the very last moment and then I indulge myself in the plans or simply do not show, sometimes with notice. I enjoy spending time with my friends and girlfriend. I look to someday take us to the next level and my friends support that. She is a social fiend and enjoys doing a lot of things. I am shy and more reserved than her. Is there a way to help me step out of my boundaries and be there for everyone? I want to find a way to stop bailing on the ones who are there for me the most. It is making waves in a tiny pond and I am getting trapped at the bottom. I feel as though my fears of losing people and making them unhappy will result in me losing them. I know friends will always be there but I have disappointed them all to the point where they are walking out the door.

– Unmarked Calendar

Dear Unmarked Calendar,

This situation hits very close to home. I am currently in a relationship were my boyfriend cannot keep plans to save his life. If he does, its at the cost of someone else. Lately, it has been either his guy friends or myself. I dealt with it for awhile and kept my emotions to myself. That resulted in an explosion on my part and it did not help the situation. Although – I was heard. Regardless, you are seeking help, which is great!

Clearly, your actions are upsetting all parties involved. Since these are all close friends – is there a typical thing you and your friends enjoy doing? For example; Monday Night Football. Some of my friends and I would get together every Monday night and watch the games until the season ended. Now, this can also backfire. In a perfect world – everyone is free every Monday night to attend. In the real world, things pop up, other factors come to play – and you cannot always make the plans you intended. I ended up having to work some nights or attend a family get together or go to a class  – and it upset people. This leaves people un-nerved.

This may sound like something you would not do but I suggest investing in a calendar or using the one provided in most cell phones. It is the easiest way to keep plans straight and an easy reference [unless you are like my boyfriend who loses his phone once a week]. Both your friends and girlfriend need to understand that both types of relationships are important to you. If they have been in your life for a good amount of time – they should understand your personality. At the same time, you should not use that as a fallback.

Is there a reason you do not like to commit to plans? Is it the activity planned or the people involved? Depending on how long you have been friends – maybe your interests have changed. I suggest you express where your current interests lie. To give you a better look; if you and I were best friends back in 2006 – I would tell you that I like punk rock concerts, going to diners really late at night, and driving around after midnight listening to music and talking. If you asked me today, I would tell you I enjoy watching movies in PJs, having house parties and relaxing with friends. It’s not a huge difference but at the same time, it’s also not as outgoing as I was before. Some friends understand changes; others grow offended by them. Why not bring your friends and her friends together for a party or dinner or go out somewhere? If she is social, she probably has a good set of friends that would enjoy hanging with new people. Are your friends into meeting new people or joining in? Does your girlfriend invite your friends out or vice versa? Basically – Im seeing if the door is really swinging both ways or if it’s stuck in the hinges.

Communication is key. It’s the only way the other person is going to know that they miss the old you or that you feel they aren’t open to the things you enjoy.  Life is not perfect. Friends do not always stick around – but if you all really want this to happen, then do it! And when they ask you to do things and be there, show them all that you can make plans and keep them.

Maybe you are also being a little selfish. Are you always saying no because you do not like it? Why not give them a chance and try what they want to do. Now, I understand if it is the same thing you have done for years and its old. But, I imagine they can think of something new and exciting that you could try and be passionate about as well. Relationships are give and take – not just take. Make an effort and show them the respect they deserve and you expect. If you are not going to be open to new ideas – why should they be open to the person you have become?

Good friends are hard to come by, so I would suggest full, open and honest communication. It should help that your friends and girlfriend get along. They’ll be there to listen, you just need to get yourself motivated and communicate.

Hope these words helped – I hope to hear from you and how you decide to handle the situation!


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Category: OPINION

About the Author - The Essentials by Chanel

A short and witty young professional with tons of advice for you to grasp onto. I can cover anything from relationships to small business management to modeling to photography to career changes to having babies. Bring it on!

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  1. Mary B. says:

    I look forward to these all the time!! i love your columns! they are great. the advice you give can be taken either way. by the person seeking advice or even the readers. I have serious commitment issues too haha so i REALLY like this one ^_^

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