Dear Chanel-
I’ve been living with this dark secret for too long and I just don’t know what to do. My best friend Justin* and I dated and are now strictly friends. Justin has been dating Rebekah* for quite some time now. Justin has been doing some stuff behind her back for months. I have wanted to tell Rebekah, but I’m scared I’ll lose Justin as a friend. Rebekah and I aren’t really friends but I can’t stand seeing a someone cheat – even if Justin is my best friend.
I tried talking to Justin about this and telling him he should tell Rebekah but he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. I guess I’m just not sure -is it cheating if Justin is asking for naked pics and asking for things that go beyond a friendship with me – as long as he’s not touching? Please help me see if it’s worth losing my long time friend [Justin] over? Thanks
– Just Another One
Dear Just Another One,
Lets stop for a minute. If this is your best friend – shouldn’t Justin respect you enough to be honest with you? Honest to the point where he isn’t hiding his feelings or actions with you. He seems to keep you hidden for a reason. That is not a best friend to me. That is a coward. A person who is scared and ‘wants his cake and to eat it too’. You are approving of this by not telling Rebekah and allowing yourself to be used. Is this not crushing you? Does it not kill you to know you spend day after day in a hidden relationship? Respect yourself and your body. I say body because you mentioned naked photos. Have you been responding to his requests? If so – you are not showing Justin (or any other person) that you hold yourself in good esteem.
Pardon my language – but you are “bathroom material” to him. What person has a best friend like that? Certainly not me.
My advice to you on Justin – You should not be afraid to lose someone who is using you. YOU should be afraid of being treated like this by people you love and who are close to you. Justin should be afraid of losing you and Rebekah. Stop sending the photos and find someone who will love you for you – and realize you do not need someone to keep you happy. It seems that you aren’t even happy when you do have someone in your life.
My advice to you on Rebekah – If it clears your conscious – which I am sure this is eating you alive, as it should be – than yes, tell her. Do it in an open and honest way – do not leave certain details out. Rebekah deserves to know everything. Apparently – her coward boyfriend is not going to do it.
To the Girlfriend- Rebekah: You deserve better than this. I hope “The Other Woman” comes to you and you accept what she is saying to you. I hope you believe her words and actually do something about it. A lot of women hear that their guy is cheating and they stick around. They make up the excuses and allow it to happen. Treat yourself the way you deserve and kick his ass out of your life. It won’t be easy, especially if it has been a long time, but why live your life being second best? N’sync even recorded a song about this–, “Bye Bye Bye” [a bit cheesy but seriously – look at the lyrics].
To the Cheat: Justin -You are pathetic to think that you are doing nothing wrong – let me shed some light. Cheating has different definitions to different people. Cheating is Cheating! When a guy/girl sits there and chats online to random people, when you grab someones ass at a bar, it’s cheating. If you hang out with someone of the opposite/same [depending on how you go] sex – then there is room for discussion.
This is not the case here – this is you, Justin – a person in a relationship- asking for naked photos from another woman other than Rebekah – your girlfriend. In my mind – that is worse than kissing someone drunk at a bar and it is worse than asking for a phone number from someone at work or in class. This is no different in my eyes than actually having sex. Why? Because you are seeing another person naked, you are taking a very personal thing and making it your own. Nudity and sex are meant for Rebekah, who you are dating – not the best friend.
** Now – if you are single – then do what you want but you, my man, are not in this boat **
So, Grow up! If you cant respect your best friend or your girlfriend – then man up, and move on!
If you still cannot handle this and think you are in the clear- than obviously these women are dating a boy – in which case – grab the Maxim, your tube sock and be done with it!
Back to you “The other Woman” -I ask that you write me and let me know what you decide to do, tell me how it went, how Rebekah reacted — maybe even suggest her writing and sharing her feelings/thoughts. I think our readers would enjoy to see how this plays out. Keep us updated on him too!
* Names changed
I agree with Chanel – The guy seems like sort of a douche bag for doing this to her and to you! He seems like he doesn’t respect you or her at all. I know you’re probably thinking *if he’s a bad boyfriend, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad friend.* Well.. Yeah it kind of does! If he respected you as a friend, he wouldn’t ask these things of you while still in another relationship. He is using you! You have to ask yourself whether you want someone like that in your life! You need to straight up tell him that if he doesn’t tell her, then YOU will! She doesn’t deserve this and neither do you.
Best of luck!!
To The other woman: If this has been going on for months and you have given “justin” the oppertunity to say something and he still has not, then I sugget you go directly to “rebekah”. If you are promoting this behavior, you should be ashamed of yourself. You are not what I would call a friend, nor is Justin….But is there more to it? Have you been suggesting things occur?…
To Justin: If you are requesting these type of things, then you must not care about Rebekah enough to be with her so y continue to waste your time and her’s?….Go find someone that will just your the “quickie” and move on. Rebekah deserves much better then you!
To Rebekah: My advice for you is to keep an eye on interactions between “Justin” and his friends to looks for suspicious clues. Apparently things have been going on behind you back, and Justin has been lying to you for some time. If he is requesting pictres and things to go beyond their friendship, that is considered CHEATING! No male or female that is happy with their relationship should be talking sexually to their friends. Those arnt “friends” more like “friends with benefits”.
Thanks Chanel, that helped. I just wish it was easier said then done. I know it’s the right thing to do to tell his gf and in my heart I know any friend like that isn’t worth having around but I guess I’m just to scared to come up and tell the truth since I’ve tried before and she didn’t believe me what’s to say she will now?
To Just Another One: If you feel it is wrong and you want to tell her then dont let failure or anything else stop you! IF she refuses to listen again or does not seem to care then she is at fault. She is being naive and you did what you could.
Telling the truth is not always an easy thing. Especially when it hurts another person and would hurt us if it was happen. If this was you – wouldnt you want her to try again?
She could be skeptical. Has she suspected anything before? Has anything else happened between you two? There could be many reasons.
I suggest you trying again and letting us know what happens – perhaps we can post another column to get even more feedback!
I agree that him asking his best friend for nude pics is a bit more of a personal relationship than friends. I feel that when it comes to a relationship it should be discussed on whats considered cheating cause like you said theres too many variables as to what counts, and at what stage of relationship ur at. As for the girl she has obviously complied to his demands since he still asks and is at just as much fault since she knows of rebekah*. as for her what to do Id say put her foot down and say if he approaches the subject again then shell tell all that way she doesnt destroy a friendship, if he wants to stay friends hell respect her desicion.
I do have a comment regarding Shannon’s post – if he was happy, then why is he seeking out his best friend? In which whom he dated.
I know if it was the other way around I would want someone to tell me. And it just so happened that my “best friend” just called me and was trying to talk dirty to me even when I say it’s not cool or bring up his girlfriend. I just wish he’d see it the way other’s do but he’s so head strong that he’s doing nothing wrong. I know his gf knows about some of the things from the past. I’ve tired telling her before but no matter what I said or tried to hint it to her she goes running to him and he spins it around to make it sound like he’s done nothing wrong. I know she tends to read your work from time to time so I hope she reads this and is able to see through the lines. I’m not trying to hurt them or break them up and I truly would like to see them find a way to work it out but sadly I’ve know him for many years as much as it seems he cares for her his actions don’t always say the same.
I was just stating that if “they” dated in the past, obviously there is a reason he is no longer with her…BUT there seems to be a reason he is still keeping him his close relationship wtih his so called friend….
Just another one: Keep the texts and show her evidence.. then maybe she will get it!
Just Another One: He just called, huh? Wow, it shows something doesnt it? Did you confront him? I agree with Kirstin and suggest saving the text message and some phones even record conversations if you have Verizon.
There’s a lot of ways to get him stuck in it. Reach out to her – even when ladies arent big fans of each other – there are times when we pull together and really have to trust the other.
If “Rebekah” is a fan of my work – and is reading this – I hope she reads this. Best of everything to you guys and keep us posted!
How long have these two been together??? Just Another One do you know? Are they serious bout each other? Id grab some wine and call her up or even go visit. She may believe you more if you show her some friednship in the meantime. I feel for Rebekah….maybe there is something missing from their relationship but no one deseerves that treatment.
“A lot of women hear that their guy is cheating and they stick around. They make up the excuses and allow it to happen.”
How can you give advice you yourself cannot follow? It’s like you’re selling it but you don’t believe in the product.
BEAUTIFUL!!! same as your fist column, this one was executed with perfection. The question was more griping then then your first an the way you handled your response, once again had me in aww. You write with a passion that doesn’t just ‘suggest’ that you care about your readers, but shows that you really do. a talent most columnists take years to prefect.
Justin needs to realize that he is screwed, and that neither one of these relationships is going to work out for him, given his state of mind. He should just throw down the gauntlet. Ménage à trois. Or at least see if they will kiss.
I am going to start by saying, this column touches very close to home…I honestly dont know where to start. I have a million thoughts running through my head.
I think that just another one should confront the girl who is known as Rebekah. I think that she has a right to know the entire story and situation. I think that keeping these texts and recording conversations is a great idea. Maybe that will help Rebekah with proof that something is going on and she will then open her eyes to the situation….There are a million un-answered questions in this situation but that is stuff that should not be aired through the internet but discussed one on one between Rebekah and just another one.
I feel like Justin would have more respect for his friends then to put them in this kind of situation and he must not care about Rebekah if he is requesting pictures from his friends and whoever else. I think that he needs to realize what he is doing and recognize that it is in fact CHEATING! Just because he is not touching some other female, does not mean that it is not considered cheating…
I am going to stop here but I am interested to see where this column goes from here.
Saphire: This column isnt about Chanel’s personal life. Its about someone who came to her with concerns to ask her advice as well as others…Whether you personally know chanel or not, this column is not your place to speak your mind about her advice she has given.
The boyfriend is totally wrong in cheating, and this in fact is cheating because he can imagine himself with the girls in the nude photos whenever and however he’d like. He apparently has more of a relationship with his best friend than his girlfriend and that needs to be addressed. Maybe he should give his girlfriend the chance to find true love and maybe he should get with his accomplice best friend. This situation is wrong in so many ways. “The other one” simply needs to get hard evidence which she can request from her cell phone provider a document of received and sent textmessages. They do send those if asked! And “the other one” should grow up and stop sending these pictures if she cannot handle the responsibility of telling the girlfriend. Or she should just end the friendship because she is an accomplice to his cheating. She’s just as much at fault as he is. They should both be stoned. And the girlfriend should find a better boyfriend because the past has obviously shown that he is not changing.
In regards to showing up in person that is kind of hard to do. Since there is a great bit of distance. However, I def. think you all have helped me a lot and I am going to find a way to confront her and let her know all the facts. I now know 100% even his gf thinks it is cheating something he lied to me about when i asked him if she was ok with him looking at pics of his x girlfriends he said she thinks of it looking at porn as long as I’m not touching. I guess I always new it was wrong but just didn’t want to accept that someone I love so much could do something so low. It’s sad to think this might be the end of a very long friendship but your all right and his girlfriend has the right to know. I will do my best to keep you all in formed. Thanks again Chanel.
-Just another one
“Whether you personally know chanel or not, this column is not your place to speak your mind about her advice she has given.”
The comment box exists to leave personal opinions on the situation, the advice, whatever anyone feels they want to say. This is not like eavesdropping on a private conversation, this is put out their for the world to see and give opinions on.
But, aside from that, Chanel-I did not realize that what I had said would upset you so greatly. I am sorry for that. I guess what I meant to say was…you are an advice columnist now. That means that writers write to you when their friends cliche advice just hasn’t cut it. Therefore, I think that if you avoid the trite “he cheated, you should leave him girl” and instead delve into your personal experiences to give advice you can tap into those emotions of your writers that they themselves don’t quite understand. You, and I for sure, and a lot of girls know sometimes the situation varies and you don’t leave the boy for cheating. That doesn’t make you any less of person. I just really think that your answers should try to go well beneath the surface, if you can do that I think you could be great at this.
-Steph Carey
speak yo mind kerri. my b.friend and i were reading over these comments and were surprised with ‘sahpire’ aka steph c. if u personally kno chanel what is your problem? if u want to help a writer or friend then do so in a mature manner. call her up send her a message or text, why put it out there like its no ones business. her column was actually well written this week and its cool that she showed it from all sides. keep it goin girl…..we are all listening. ‘rebekah’ dump the douce.
Just Another One- Thanks for keeping us posted. I hope you find it in you to talk to her somehow. You mentioned distance between the both of you, do you go to school with her boyfriend? How are you able to chat with him but not her? Is she in the same state – is he in the same state?
Glad to be of help – this is not an easy situation and can get more difficult. Im here for ya!
“Just another one”, you really need to get your shit together and tell the girlfriend the truth. She already knows the situation but needs to hear it from you. You keep posting stuff up here about how hard it is to do. It is not that hard, especially if you are not friends with the girlfriend personally. I can understand if you were like her best friend, but that is not the case. You are just as wrong as the cheating boyfriend here because it is obvious you still have feelings for him. It is obvious he still has feelings for you. There is no valid excuse for either of you except that you are heartless pigs who aren’t mature enough to have a relationship with eachother or anyone else for that matter. You both disgust me and I don’t think either of you deserves friends anyways. The girlfriend deserves to be told the truth and the ability to make an objective decision based on what each of you tells her. So, get over your insecurities and get to the point. We don’t feel sorry for you or the cheater anymore. If you really felt sorry, you’d take your chances of losing the douchebag as a friend and you would’ve told her already.
Ok kristina- first off ur beyond wrong. I don’t have feelings for him like that at all!!! I have an amazing boyfriend and id never cheat on him. I did tell his gf and things are now all out in the open. But it had nothing to do with her that made it so hard. Just because my friend might not always make the best choices when it comes to his gfs n such dosnt change the fact hes been their for me through a hell of a lot! n Id never want to lose that n by informing his gf of his actions im willingly ending my long term friendship. I havent done shit so why don’t u get ur damn facts straight before u go saying shit about me! I would never date him again if he was the last person on earth i know how he is and how he has always been and i was never looking for people to feel anything for me thanks..
Wow. This column has turned into yet another place for girls to start drama and bash each other personally rather than post advice or opinions to help “Just Another One” with her problem (surprise surprise). If you think I’m wrong go look through the previous comments…”Steph Carey”‘s (aka Saphire) low blow to Chanel’s personal life…”Kristina” attacking “Just Another One” by calling her a heartless pig. Ladies,take your drama somewhere else. This column is supposed to help the girl, not attack her and other people here personally.
I just wanted “Just another one” to tell the truth. She did so, so I am happy now. I wasn’t trying to start drama. I was trying to make things happen. So, thank you for misunderstanding me. And thank you for FINALLY telling the girlfriend the truth. She’s my cousin btw, so I’m very much involved in how the situation ends up. I don’t like my family to be put through relationship pain. If it was your family, I think you’d feel the same way. If not, that’s not good family.
I also wasn’t saying anything bad about Chanel. I think she did give good advice. I just don’t understand how this situation needed advice. “Just another one” knew the situation was wrong and what she “should have” done so I didn’t see why she was acting like it was a debate. And sometimes it takes hardcore criticism aka “constructive criticism” to make people see the harsh reality of their actions, for example if “Just another one” had kept the secret for good. It’s simply not healthy for anyone involved. So, peace to everyone. I won’t be back on here because my job has been finito now.
I just wanted to let you know that your advice column is fantastic! Way to go, girl. I’m not sure what some of the problems were this week, but it might be a little bit of old fashioned jealousy over your success. You answered the submitters’s question exactly right. You are amazing. I’m really, truly impressed by the maturity and soundness of the advice you give. I don’t think it will be long before your column is wildly popular.
Keep it up!!!
I agree that the column is supposed to help whoever has the problem, but at the same time, how can you trust advice from someone who doesn’t even believe in what they’re saying enough to follow it themselves?? I think that Chanel was too insistent on the “he cheated, leave him” kind of advice because she *knows* that there are other factors. I just don’t see why you would advise someone to do something that you wouldn’t do. To me, that completely negates the advice.
To Steph & “Good advice but…”
I have been cheated on before – by 2 different people. I left the person who did it with someone consistently. It was unfair to me and I was lied to for months. I DID LEAVE – as I am advising. Someone who cheats on purpose – is going to keep it up.
Since we are all referring to the event that recently happened in my life – yes, “Another One” I have recently been cheated on this year.
My issue is not related due to the fact that my guy was drunk and kissed someone goodbye at a bar. He didn’t get her number, he did not take her home, he also was a man about it and told me about right away. He also took the time to explain the situation and make things better. My boyfriend did not consistently cheat. My boyfriend made a mistake – a mistake is NOT calling someone up for phone sex or nude photos or anything like that.
THIS column is about a guy who has been dating someone for a long time [years], someone who had already dated this girl [“Another One”] and is still calling her and requesting things.
MY situation is no where near this extremity. MY boyfriend has remained faithful — and to the ladies posting, ALL should know this unless you really dont know anything about the situation — which you do not and are speaking out of line.
MY column is to HELP other people. IF you HAVE advice on situations like this – which you should since you have been there before, alot. Then GIVE the advice that “Another One” or any other writer is asking for…otherwise, Id advise you to find a Myspace or Facebook chatroom to let your venting out on.
In conclusion : “Just Another One” did the right thing in coming to me or anyone else for advice on confirming what she should do. She DID in fact tell “Rebekah” what happened and things are taking its ways. Maybe “Rebekah” will write to us and we will see how things worked out between the love triangle. Cheating is Cheating – the extremities are based upon each situation, as originally stated in my column.
Thanks for your time and comments. Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving.
Okay so i kept my thoughts to myself but now i would just like to say a few things. I think enough is enough, everyone needs to go their separate ways and be done with this whole ordeal! If stuff like this happens once its bound to happen again, most likely.. So all of you out there in this situation keep your head above water and move on with life. If its meant to be it will come back, if not then there is a reason. Remember the golden rule you got taught when you were younger “Treat others the way you want to be treated”, well just think about that for a second, and act upon it because i sure as hell know I wouldn’t want to be treated that way again,I went through it once personally and decided a long time ago never again. Nobody should put up with anyone’s crap like that, NOBODY and if you continue to let it all go down then, basically its in your hands on what to do then, don’t be deceived and think from your heart, please!!
Have a nice day everyone! :D
I’m a firm believe in second chances, I’ve been cheated on as well in the past by just about every guy I’ve been with, and out of all of them only one kept it up. People need to understand that shit does happen…to everyone…situations get away from people and when it all comes down to it we are all human and we all make mistakes. Its not that someone was unfaithful because he/she wasn’t in love with the person they are with, most times it was a mistake. And most times mistakes like that are critical to a relationship. Other wise, how are you supposed to know if the love is real if it is never tested? I’m not saying that cheating on someone is fair, but this is the real world and nothing in life is fair. If you want something you have to fight for it to know that its worth it, but if you have the happily ever after never have to fight kinda relationship then its not as perfect as you think and to disagree makes you a naive person. “At the End of the day you either focus on what separates you or what keeps you together” -unknown “The truth is, everyone in your life is going to hurt you, what it comes down to is realizing which people in your life are worth hurting for” -Bob Marley
Just a reminder to everyone. The comments are not for picking fights. Please stick to the topics at hand and leave any personal information you may (or may not) have, out of it.
Thakns
John
Editor
PS
If the comments begin to get out of control, we will shut them off on the post level.Thanks for your understanding!
It amazes me how quickly people jump to the negatives. I wish we would all see how helpful Chanel’s advice really was! “Just Another One” actually took the advice and its making progress. “Rebekah”‘s cousin and friends were involved enough to reach out and comment and supposedly Chanel even knows the people in the situation now that its out in the open and yet she was able to give advice to everyone. If my friend or family memeber was in this sitation id be pretty angry in my comments too. its a personal thing. why not actually read chanel’s response????? she touched on all points. are you guys not reading it and just jumping the gun to jump on her back? for those of you who are friends with her, why not look at her facebook and see the great feedback she has been gettin? people are appreciating her advice. advice does not have to be right. get off your high horses and critique it for the better, not to make drama.
‘Do not look for the speck in your neighbors eye when there is a log in your own’
First off I would like to make clear that I do not whatsoever agree with bashing a situation of which I do not know all the answers to. That being said everyone in this blog is no better then the person to whom is claimed to be cheating. I am including the person in charge of this blog because at no point did you ever consider the guys story. Any girl can bash a guy because they hate him or they think they are right. Are you all sure that he is asking for pictures and she is not just sending them? If she truly wanted him as a friend then why would she go beyond his back? It does seem that all of you decide to just bash him, without knowing anything about him.
Tisk Tisk Chanel, even quoting you: My situation is no where near this extremity. MY boyfriend has remained faithful — and to the ladies posting, ALL should know this unless you really don’t know anything about the situation — which you do not and are speaking out of line.
As an advice giver you should look at both sides and understand where each is coming from. It seems you did not. You jumped right on bashing him. I never once saw the guy on here defending himself, so I know that none of you know his side. Take your own advice and understand a situation before you judge. Personally if you are going to be one-sided, advice giving is not for you. This girl could clearly be making more then half of these things up to get all of you on her side. On the other hand he could be at fault. But since none of you, including me, know the whole story please kindly take the “essential advice” from Chanel and find out the full facts before giving advice.
Since I do not know the facts I will leave you all to do as you wish. My advice for this blog is “to know before you speck” because you all may feel pretty dumb when or if you ever find out the whole story.
The only true given is what was relayed to Chanel and what was written in the original post. There is no way to tell if any of the people who commented were actually any of the people involved. I suggest everyone just calms down.
I get it, some of you do not agree with the advice. I think we all get it.
“Bill” We all have made it clear that Chanel and other now know who this situation is about, all parties included. Why not pay attention to previous comments and understand that. Her advice worked. The only reason she stated anything about her relationship is because others brought it into the situation. If the guy wanted to comment, I know he reads this page often. He chose not to. He chose to back off of it. But liek you said, youll feel pretty dumb without knowing all the facts.
I agree with JWF….everyone relax and be happy that “Just Another One” found her answers and path. Geezzz
Good Job Chanel on helping the situation!! :D You deserve gratitude!
I 100% agree with Bill. This blog got BEYOND out of hand especially when people began to bash others and move away from the topic. And im willing to bet that most people that posted unnecessary comments do not know the people involved or the entire situation. This blog is one definitly one sided….hopefully there will be a follow up post!
YAY BILL!! People standing up for Chanel, that’s all great, but dont bash on other people just because their advice differs. Bill makes a really good point. Both columns have been one sided. “sapphire” even apologized for hurting her feelings, she wasn’t trying to, she is just trying to help Chanel better her writing. Yet people continued to bash her. Everyone on here is bashing everyone else just because opinions differ. And people that are saying Chanel’s advice isn’t “stellar” and “awe inspiring” are just trying to help her develop. Its called constructive criticism. Let’s end drama people.