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“Nationals October 2019

A Conflicted Man

| November 17, 2009, 11:36 AM | 28 Comments

Dear Chanel,essentials

I have been dating this girl (Girl-A) for about 8 months now and everything has been going really well. We have been friends since high school and finally started dating after we both had our own experiences mine more then hers. As one of my experiences, I was hanging out with a girl (Girl-B) almost everyday and only did some minor kissing which I failed to mention to Girl-A. She got really mad at me for what  I thought was nothing but am now starting to feel guilty. When I was trying to explain myself to her as to why I neglected to say anything, I realized I still have some unresolved feelings for the other girl (Girl-B). Now, of course, she has a boyfriend, who is a complete tool by the way, and I am her with my current girlfriend.

What should I do? I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my current girlfriend which might lead to us not even being able to be friends any longer but I cant help these feelings for the other girl.

Hoping to Get Some Help,

Unknowing Man

(Read Chanel’s advice after the jump)

Hey Unknowing Man,

First- I must congratulate you on actually being able to realize that most guys end up hiding things because they knowingly or unknowingly have suppressed feelings for the person of debate. Now, to get down to business, you have feelings for another woman. Your current girlfriend has already picked up on it and has shown her emotions. I’d say look at the hard facts – Why ruin something you’ve had for a good solid 8 months over someone who walked in and out of your life?

You want it because you do not have it. Don’t become a tool yourself and beat around the bush. Communication is one of the most important parts to a relationship – followed by honesty. If you cant fully give yourself to your girlfriend – than why bother at all? Think of what’s really worth it in the end. A quick fling like before or something more promising. Keep me posted on the status of your hidden emotions and your current relationship.

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Category: OPINION

About the Author - The Essentials by Chanel

A short and witty young professional with tons of advice for you to grasp onto. I can cover anything from relationships to small business management to modeling to photography to career changes to having babies. Bring it on!

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Comments (28)

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  1. Kirstin says:

    Wow, Great response.. I totally agree! Good luck Unknowing Man!

  2. connie says:

    I think he should be honest with his current girlfriend. What he is showing is a level of inmaturity.

  3. Chelsea says:

    I love it Chanel! That’s great, I wish you couldv’e steered my old boyfriend straight like that. haha :)

  4. O2 says:

    Realize that you are screwed and that neither one of these is going to work out in the long run. In which case you should go for broke.

    Ménage

    à

    trois

    Or at least see if they will kiss.

    Yep. Hugely immature.

    :)

  5. Kristina says:

    Chanel, great advice I agree with you completely. I love how open and honest you are yet see it from the writers standpoint as well.

  6. LoveOB says:

    Couldnt of said it better myself. Great suggestions. He needs to be careful cause he is well on his way to tool status.

  7. Actual Conficted Mail says:

    Thanks. I really think that it was only a case of wanting what you cannot have and im not going to ruin something that I have for something that maybe.

  8. Saade says:

    Hey Chanel! I think you told him right I think that she should tell the other girl how he feels then move on especially if she is happy with her boyfriend if she is not then they should get together lol! Great topic sounds familar!

  9. lovelife9109 says:

    That’s true. you want it goes yu don’t got it. but yu need to realize dat what yu have is good…n dnt risk it on a little fling…

  10. Shan says:

    Very good advice!

    I’ve been in a kinda similar situation before and good communication actually helped clear everything up. Relationships can be hard but if you’re dedicated and honest everything should be fine.

  11. kristaa says:

    I loved your answer chanel your awesome!! It made everything make so much sense even for girls haha. Guys need to talk to you more often and we girls need to listen to what you have to say hahah. It’s so good!

  12. Kristie says:

    I really think that is good advice. I mean the part about wanting something you can’t have is really true.These things happen in life and you sometimes just have to talk it out and if the current g/f doesn’t understand then maybe it’s not worth it? Great advice Chanel

  13. Mary B. says:

    The advice itself was great, and the way you came to your answer in a personal yet not so personal way was done really well. But the question you answered was for the most part clechie, everyone answers questions in advice columns about the same exact relationship issues. I’m not saying that your column wasn’t good, because it was, but if you really want people to read it and get hardcore fans that you’re never met before, you should be more picky about the questions that you answer.

  14. Lauren says:

    I totally agree, where not perfect and if someone can’t except you for your flaws as well then their not worth your time. Great advice Chanel I look forward to reading your next column

  15. Xoxo says:

    Very good question and awesome advice. He needs to think about what he really wants in life, a woman who cares about him or someone who is a “good lay” per say…

    Chanel: I look forward to reading your future columns!!

  16. Carrie says:

    I can’t say i agree with this advice at all. You don’t know the entire situation and you are telling him what to do without listening to whole thing. The whole point is that he still has other feelings for another girl. Things can’t be perfect if that is the case. GOOD advice would be to really step outside his own situation and map out if this relationship that he’s in is really worth it. Yes, things are well and they’ve been friends since high school, but maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and he’s actually not that happy. The fact that you are telling him that “he wants it because he can’t have it” could be COMPLETELY inaccurate. Thats not advice. That’s being controlling. What he really needs to do is talk to his current girlfriend because its a very serious issue. The hard facts aren’t “ruining something good” This is very immature thinking. A real relationship can be good, but in reality they don’t always work. Good attempt, but sounds like you need to experience life a little more before dishing out advice.

  17. The Essentials by Chanel says:

    In Reply to Carrie:

    Thanks for sharing your opinion – which is always welcome. Unfortunately – I feel I do not share your view. If I was inaccurate or wrong – the guy would not have commented back and said I hit the nail. If you see his comment above – I got it exactly right.

  18. The Essentials by Chanel says:

    Thanks for the feedback! Do not be afraid to put criticism or your own advice! This column is for everyone to gain insight! I appreciate all the readers so far and look forward to sharing my advice with you all each week!

    In Reply to the Conflicted Male: Thanks for checking back to see the advice and giving feedback! I hope it works out for you – and I am glad I was able to help you discover what was going on. If you need further advice, Im here for ya!

    Need your own advice? [email protected]

  19. Lauren says:

    I beg to differ with that last person. I don’t think age has anything to do with being able to give good advice. I agree knowing the full story is important but in this case no I think her advice fit just fine. It sounds like you are just a cynical person who looks for the worst in things. I mean the guy didn’t do anything and yes talking to his girlfriend would def. be the first thing but maybe talking to a therapy might help as well if someone is having thoughts like that maybe there is more to it then they are even aware. it dosn’t mean they dont love the person their with or that her advice was bad. Keep on it Chanel look forward to ur next column

  20. Xoxo says:

    Carrie: How do you expect her to “know the entire situation” when the writer did not give her his entire life story?…And as for her needing to “experience life a little more before dishing out advice”, you do not know “Chanel” therefore how can you judge what she has or has not experienced?? I also feel as though if the “conflicted man” did not feel her advice was useful to him, then he would not have left positive feedback.

  21. The Essentials by Chanel says:

    In Reply to Carrie:

    I would also like to add a bit more after re-reading your comment a few times. Just because someone grows feelings or an attraction or a lust [in this case] to their ex – does not mean that their current relationship is going badly.

    In fact – a few years ago I was in this situation. There was nothing wrong with my relationship after 3 years of dating but yet, it was my ex boyfriend and I wanted to see why I had such strong feelings. I ended the relationship and ended up ruining a good one. All for nothing – I ended up realizing my ex was not who he used to be, I realized I wanted it because there was no closure and that was that.

    I also think age has nothing to do with being able to give advice – I do not believe I would have stepped up to the plate or received any positive feedback if I was unable to give good advice. My age is not said nor will it be – so to assume I have no life experiences is completely inaccurate.

    I do however appreciate your response! I want to see how all readers feel and are receiving my work.

    Thanks again! Hope to hear back!!

  22. Knows alot says:

    I must say I agree with Carrie to a certain point. I know that when you’re confused, it’s very easy to believe something someone else says. I think conflicted male is taking the easy way out. Making excuses for himself, and Chanel is helping him do that. Obviously his feelings on 8 month girl aren’t as strong as we think. If he has feelings for another girl, then that’s exactly what it is. Theres nothing to read Into. He clearly likes someone else. Eventually, that long (long? Lol) 8 month relationship isn’t working and will fail. If it’s not girl b, itll be girl c, or d. It’s easy to go with what is comfortable. It takes a real man to step up and be willing to make a change

  23. Barbie says:

    I feel the need to say something to these latest two comments. I dont know who “Chanel” is but I like her. Young or old, immature or mature . None of us know unless her personal friends are viewing this.

    This is what I have to say. You people are not making any sense with the negative comments! Especially if you read what she wrote in the column and her responses back. She clearly said for him to talk to his girlfriend, she even said it could be a lust or an attraction. To me it seems he is just a typical guy and is lusting for things he cannot have. Most of the readers even agreed with her. Maybe its you two that don’t have much dating experience with the wrong types of guys. Most guys end up being slimeballs and craving other women just because they arent theirs. My own boyfriend admitted this bring true. I even asked a few other guys I Know and they said it makes sense. Once they start dating these women, most of the attraction fades away fast and they lost a good potential relationship.

    Its funny that “knows alot” said, his feelings arent as strong as we think. I dont think anyone, not even the writer wrote it. We dont know all the info. Chanel based her answer off the question and her experiences which is what columnists should do. No one wants to read a column from someone who is stealing others answers or making up advice.

    “The Conflicted” did not ask her what is wrong with his relationship or with himself nor did he give her his full background. He simply asked her was it worth it. Chanel even went back and gave a personal experience.

    Chanel I applaud your efforts and I expect you to blow us away with your next column! Im going to be sure to send my own friends to this column often.

  24. connie says:

    Anyone can have a lot of experience regardless of age. What he needs to do is fix things with his presently girlfriend. People use all kind of excuses when they want to be irresponsible.

  25. Kirstin says:

    I agree with Chanel 100%. Possibly he didn’t have closure with his ex, therefor the feelings never went away. I’m sure the girl he’s with now isn’t going to wait around forever as he decides who he wants to be with. Besides, it looks like his ex has moved on, therefor doesn’t give a d*mn!

  26. Heather says:

    @ Chanel’s last comment :

    ….Carrie never said anything about your age. She said you needed more life experience. A person can be 80 and on their death bed and not mature mentally through experiences. I agree with Carrie and Knows a lot. They aren’t being pessimistic. Just looking at things through eyes that have probably been through a lot more. Lets face it. 8 months is a very short relationship. And you are further proving them right. You said you were in a relationship for 3 years and nothing was wrong, yet you left him. There was a reason for that. He wasn’t the one. When you meet “the one” you suffer through hardships way more intense than “feelings for a another person”. If there is doubt, it means much more then the eye can see. You weren’t ruining a good relationship, you just got out of one that wasn’t good enough. You won’t understand what I mean until you cross in your life. Your response shows immaturity, simple as that. Not young age, just haven’t been through enough to dish out advice. You are in a respectable role and naturally people will listen and accept what you say, so what you say will directly affect peoples lives, hopefully in a positive way. And these other comments sound like very young girls also without life experience; you are affecting their lives and how they think as well.

    “You want it because you do not have it. Don’t become a tool yourself and beat around the bush.” Here you are putting thoughts into his own head. He might not think have thought at all. But now he does. The people in the comments, aren’t important. What is important is what YOU say. I’m speaking to you. As a couples therapist for many many years, this is not how to help. Sorry.

  27. DB says:

    Who is to say if the commenter here is the original guy? The internet allows you to be anyone! So be careful there.

    As for giving advice, I know that there is no one right answer to most problems. Is Chanel’s advice 100% right? Probably not. Is it 100% wrong? Probably not. But if it gives readers and writers a different perspective, it serves a purpose…right?

    I mean I read Dear Abbie and don’t agree with her some of the time!

    Good job Chanel–it’s a tough job–but someones gotta do it.

    Good addition to this site!

  28. Barbie says:

    I agree with DB! Chanel’s advice is simply that – advice. He can take it or he can leave it and clearly he went for it! My friends and I talked this over and it seems to be this guy is immature – not where he is acting silly but he could be a YOUNG guy…. maybe even a high schooler and yet he could need advice on those high school flings.

    No one knows what Chanels personal life is like or if she is with someone. How do we know if she hasnt met that right someone? Didnt she even say someone she dated years ago? Her more immature age most likely.
    PLus no one said 8 months was a long time…i think i made that clear in my last comment.

    Maybe we can all just take it easy and try to help him out with his dilima rather than tear people apart and make them feel unworthy. I think its unfair for you “Heather” to say that our comments are not important. I think they help out CHanel and her readers and even the person who wrote.

    GOOD JOB CHANEL!

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