Welcome back to From the Classroom’s rundown of the 2012 GOP field, where the candidates are evaluated and vetted, two by two. We’ve already been through Newt Gingrich, Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Rick Perry. And now we’re on to…
Mitt Romney is the all-American candidate. His smile and demeanor represent the friendliness and brotherhood that our country tries to embody. His broad shoulders represent the strength that has always characterized our military. His name represents baseball, our national pastime. His hair represents the natural beauty of our homeland. And his flip-flopping and inability to decide his positions on many issues represents the workings of our government.
Yes, let’s vote for the candidate who can’t ever make up his mind! I wonder how he decides between boxers and briefs in the morning.
Many people see him as the best candidate because he’s arguably running against six political cartoons. Then again, you could argue that he is one himself–he’s shied away from so many of his positions as governor of Massachusetts that you half expect him to come out any day and say that he’s now a woman.
Even so, he comes across as poised, rational, eloquent, and competent. As luck would have it, these are the attributes that don’t matter in the GOP primary, leaving Mitt playing second fiddle to a belligerent and alarmingly popular Newt Gingrich. Instead, the one thing that does keep Mitt polling strongly in the teens is his Commander-in-Chief-esque demeanor.
It’s true–Mitt looks presidential. His tanned skin and dreamy hair are arguably his best assets. Despite their conservative social policies, I’m still convinced that he and one other candidate are conspiring to turn the whole country gay, that other candidate being…
Michelle Bachmann is like a Sunday-school teacher with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. Foaming at the mouth with holier-than-thou rhetoric from the tea party, fundamentalist Christian, and just-plain-angry camps, she’s ready to take on the world with all of three terms in the House of Representatives. Which, to be fair, is more than Obama had. Obama also knew the difference between John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy.
Bachmann can fire up a base, but so can a lighter and a can of gasoline. The worry is that she’s too hot-tempered and vapid to be president—which is often written off as sexism, but if you look at the relatively little amount of criticism, especially about their intelligence, that women like Kathleen Sibelius and Condoleezza Rice have faced, it’s not sexism—it’s simply discrimination against dumb people.
But while we’re on the topic of sexism, Bachmann has made headlines for her early comments about the importance of being submissive to one’s husband—so he must be worth taking a look at. He runs a Christian health clinic that, it’s been revealed, provides offensive pray-the-gay-away treatments—terrible, horrible, and absolutely unacceptable. The only good thing about a Bachmann presidency is that she’d be able to save money by using her hefty husband as the missile defense shield. He will shield the country with his man breasts.
Bachmann also made headlines for her signing of a controversial marriage pledge stating that, among other things, she will affirm as President that marriage is between one male human and one female human. But when you look at her marriage, you see that the Bachmanns believe something a little more specific—that marriage is between one crazy bigot and one fat bigot.
Bachmann, thank God, has tumbled down to irrelevancy in the latest batch of GOP polls, but is trying to mount a comeback in Iowa–which would be a good plan, except for the fact that it is also the plan of Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, and Ron Paul.
But it’s all irrelevant–these last few columns of postulating, that is. All I wanted was a chance to poke some good-natured fun at a stage full of crazy people. Campaigns are so volatile and unpredictable–already we’ve seen the demise of milquetoast governor Tim Pawlenty, abrasive billionaire Donald Trump,
professional comedian conservative firebrand Sarah Palin, and Herman Cain, the gospel-quoting pseudo-rapist himself–that it’s nearly impossible to predict a winner this early in the contest.
With that said, I have a theory on an individual with an inside shot at the Republican nomination…someone that no one is really expecting. He had a major rally before being taken down–for good, some thought–this summer, but I predict he’ll be back again and be ready to face Obama come November.
From the Classroom’s official prediction for the 2012 Republican Presidential Nominee is:
TOM MARVALO RIDDLE
otherwise known as VOLDEMORT
Happy holidays, all! I’ll be back soon with a column commenting on the frenzy regarding my school’s purpose of an old golf course in Annapolis Roads…and another that brings to light a pressing downtown issue of which many of us may be unaware.