From The Classroom: 2012 Fever

My generation was more instrumental in electing Barack Obama than youth had been in any previous election–and now, in 2012, we bear the responsibility of deciding whether or not to help re-elect him as well. Will he be an enduring fad, like skinny jeans and the word “lol”, or cast aside like silly bandz and the Jonas Brothers?

Obviously his failure to entirely repair a decimated economy within four years is disappointing to all of us. But whether it’s actual disappointment in the man himself, or just the inevitable disappointment that follows unbridled optimism, like the kind you feel after learning that Superman isn’t real, is up to each voter, I suppose.

But before my generation (and all those who supported our President) decides to rescind our support, we need to take a look at the other options on the table; and on this, too many people are uneducated. I’ve seen the field described as “Romny and Parry [sic and sic]” and heard the winner be projected as “that Mormon guy”…so needless to say, it’s time for a rundown of the candidates. I’ll go through them two by two, like Noah’s Ark, and we’ll see who might best weather the storm and face the prospect of leading our country.

I’d estimate that there are more Republicans running for President than there are currently attending college. Some of them have a good chance of winning, while some of them don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.

Speaking of snowballs, Newt Gingrich’s haircut:

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich is undoubtedly the nerd of the Republican Party. Not the nice kind of nerd that helps you edit your social studies papers—he’s the type of nerd that uses his knowledge of angles and mirrors to make a periscope so that he can look up girls’ skirts.

I suppose an upside to a Gingrich presidency would be that his approach to policy, however abhorrent his opinions, would be thoughtful and well-informed. The downside would be that his approach to selecting cabinet members would involve drawing names of recent Playboy models from a five-million-dollar hat. And while I’m sure Tiffany Fallon knows plenty about trains and tunnels, I don’t think that makes her qualified to be Secretary of Transportation.

While he’s got a brain the size of Canada, he has the integrity of a celery stick—and, combined with his expensive tastes and lustful ways, he’s guaranteed to be a train wreck as President, unless every single American buys stock in the tabloid industry on the eve of his swearing-in. One thing’s for sure, despite what he says about the deficit, his spending on food in the White House would be larger than that of any other presidential wannabe, unless you count Ron Paul’s “special brownies”.

Despite his policy acumen, he can’t seem to get any more than 6-10 percent in the polls, which, coincidentally, is the percentage of the national budget that would be spent at Tiffany’s under his administration.

Jon Huntsman

When it comes to the Republican primary, Jon Huntsman is undoubtedly the smartest guy in the room. He understands that it’s important to curb global warming (because he can’t get re-elected if we all drown), he understands that granting civil unions to gay couples is a necessary step towards equality (which has earned him the endorsement of all 4 gay Republicans), and he understands that when you question the opinions of the smartest scientists in the world, you look kind of dumb.

He just doesn’t understand how American politics works. Huntsman, for some reason, expects to win the election by saying what he believes and being honest. This strategy has got him polling at about 1% nationwide. Next thing we know he might show up in Washington actually expecting Congress to pass something!

For some reason, he doesn’t make too much noise about being an Ambassador to China AND the governor of Utah, but he has a lot to say about the fact that he rides a motorcycle. Which is weird, because I feel like when people go to the polls to vote, they’re normally thinking about The West Wing, not Sons of Anarchy.

Lately, he’s been criticizing his Republican opponents for being ignorant, which is like calling out arsenic for making people sick, but still, it’s a step. It’s clear he thinks he’s a cut above the other losers in the GOP field—but voters, meanwhile, think he’s a cut under “other” and “none of the above”. If he can’t beat “none of the above”, he can’t beat an actual candidate. Well, maybe Michelle Bachmann.

Stay tuned next week for MORE CANDIDATES!

Tags: From The Classroom

Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom