I’m sure by now anyone who’s been on the internet within the past week has been assailed by Bob Ehrlich’s Roadmap to 2020 ads. This ad seems to have been mass-distributed through Google on every site known to man, featuring a handome, eloquent-looking Ehrlich standing beside his attractive, smart-looking, enticing to the female demographic running mate, Mary Kane. A professional, progressive-looking graphic beckons us to look at Bob Ehrlich’s Roadmap to 2020.
Seventeen times a day.
On every internet site.
I literally selected a site at random to see if it might be there, and sure enough, it was.
But after clicking on it, I was relieved to hear that at least Ehrlich knows that money doesn’t talk, it’s only a megaphone. He has some ideas with which to back up his flashy ad campaign. What does his road map offer us?
He wants to create jobs! That’s an innovative stance for a candidate to take. We haven’t heard that a lot this election cycle.
He wants to lower taxes! You know, it’s really courageous of him to be taking a stance like that, seeing how everyone else is a communist and all.
He wants to fix the budget! I like how different that is from what we’ve been seeing. It’s such a refreshing break from people who go on TV and call for incompetent government.
He wants to create world-class schools! Now focusing on education really IS an original thought from the right this election cycle (see: Tea Party).
He wants to reduce gridlock! See, unlike the current sociopaths in office who take great glee in seeing innocent people trapped in interminable traffic, Mr. Ehrlich is a new breed of politician–a kind-hearted guy who wants you to be able to get places on time. Who wouldn’t trust a man with motives like that?
He wants to keep the bay clean! A groundbreaking deviation from every other candidate who thinks it would be beneficial to have an estuary full of poison in place of one of our country’s natural wonders.
He wants clean, affordable, and reliable energy! Wow, so does everyone else! But put those buzzwords next to ‘abortion’ and you begin to see party lines. But you wouldn’t want to include anything groundbreaking in this proposal you’re touting all over the internet, would you, Bob?
He wants to make neighborhoods safe! Gosh, I guess I wasn’t the only one thinking that setting off smoke bombs and letting felons loose on the streets might not be the best thing for the public! Glad to have someone on my side.
He wants to keep Maryland healthy! I don’t know why he’d want to try a scheme like that, I mean, all other governors whose states have been overrun by the bubonic plague have left office with high approval ratings. And of course he wants to reduce government interference in the insurance market! Because it was a terrible, terrible thing when we got them to stop dropping coverage of people with cancer.
And he wants to preserve our farming heritage! I don’t have any idea why he thinks that’s a priority. After all, the folks up in Michigan got so much acclaim when they shut down those traditional old car factories.
My point is, Ehrlich’s roadmap is just more of the same thing you’ve been hearing from every Republican. For all his flashy ads, there’s nothing new. Maybe it’s a little better articulated than the platforms of most GOP candidates, and he seems to have some plans for implementation–but we’ve heard this line before. I can speak for myself and most of my peers who may not be able to vote now, but we will make up a key voting bloc should Ehrlich want to run again in 2014–if we’re to be swayed to a more moderate candidate (a group that appeals to us because of its relative bipartisanship but at the same time turns us off because of its relative lack of pizzazz), they’ll need to have some fresh, flashy new ideas. Ehrlich seems to be coming up empty-handed.
Of course, who am I to criticize Ehrlich’s roadmap without offering a solution to it? Let me present to you a roadmap of my own:
Seth Perry’s Roadmap to 2020
First of all, we’ve got a budget to balance. How can we go about doing it? I have some ideas.
a) The phrase ‘balancing the budget’ will now be shortened to ‘q’ in order for the state to save hundreds of millions of dollars on paper.
b) The State House will be sold, and, to finally bring some people to the freaking Market House for once, the legislature will convene there.
c) Lower the driving age again. The sooner I can buy gas, the sooner the state gets the sales tax.
We’ve got to keep the school system providing quality education while keeping things withing a reasonable budget. How to go about that?
a) Consolidate civics and sex education into one course, taught by Bristol Palin.
b) We need more contemporary subjects that can entice younger generations. Hire more people who can teach computer programming, twitter use, and me how to dougie.
c) Teachers’ performance should be evaluated through students’ responses to standardized tests. Specifically, the teacher with the most students who complain that standardized tests are wholly inaccurate at measuring intelligence gets a raise.
We need to create jobs–but how?
a) Hire people to twirl those advertising signs in front of the Market House.
b) Hold the next Olympics in the Market House.
c) If all else fails, we can always hire some temporary construction workers to tear down the Market House.
(I’d like to see Ehrlich tell us his plan about the Market House. I’m sure he’d rub his chin for a minute and respond that he wanted to lower its taxes and give it a job).
And finally, we need to invest more money in science. We can work in reducing gridlock, but if we invent the flying car none of that will matter. So, I suggest we appropriate 100 billion dollars to spend on scientific research.
Now how are we going to come up with that? You ask.
RAISE THE TAX RATES ONE MILLION PERCENT ON ANYONE WHOSE ADS I SEE TWENTY TIMES A DAY.
Have a good one,