From The Classroom: Driving Bunk
Hey hey, Annapolis!
As I mentioned in my last post, summer will be upon us. For most of my readers, that means griping about paying the air-conditioning bills, but for my friends and me, it means freedom. The world is ours to explore. Thousands of opportunities prostrate themselves at our awaiting feet. We can go anywhere, see anyone, and do anything!
Oh wait, this is Maryland. We need to ask our parents to drive us. Oh, they’re busy paying the air-conditioning bills–well, I guess we’re stuck at home for the summer.
The new driving laws in Maryland have teens up in arms, because they impose ridiculous restrictions on us and are generally pretty stupid. For one thing, they push back the age limit for a full drivers license. “What’s wrong with that?” you might say. “You can still get your driver’s license at 18!”
Technically.
But you have to remember that it’s bureaucracy we’re dealing with.
Even if I wanted to get my drivers’ license at age 15 and 9 months exactly, I would probably end up having to wait, because the government is like that. Then, I need to log 60 hours of driving, at least ten of those at night. Once that’s all done, I need to make sure I’ve waited nine months to get my provisional license at age 16 and 6 months. By then, people in some states will already be driving around the interstate like a big shot, picking up girls and acting all cool. It really says something when South Dakotans have an advantage over us in the coolness department. Are you listening, Maryland MVA? Your laws do to our image what cement does to swimming pools.
Then, of course, there are 18 months when we can’t drive at night…except under this circumstance…and this circumstance…and this one. Pretty much everything except parties are given an exception–athletics, school-sponsored events, work events….which begs the question, is this some MVA employee’s revenge for never getting invited to any social events as teenagers?
Speaking of partying, by disallowing other passengers under 21 to ride in the car with provisional license holders, you’re effectively discouraging the notion of designated drivers, which will mean either a hike in teen drunk-driving rates or a crash in the beer industry. Either way, someone’s unhappy.
Also, the passenger rule discourages carpooling. Is this another government plot to kill the ozone? I’m not pleased.
And furthermore, if you’re so worried about potential distractions around young drivers, what good does it do to allow younger siblings in the car? Have you heard the music those kids like these days? And do you know how adamant the kids are about hearing it? Do you know how hard it is to drive with “Best of Both Worlds” blaring in your ears at 100 decibels? Harder, apparently, than it is for Miley Cyrus to stop speeding recklessly down her current path (which has me considering starting a betting pool on which illegal narcotic will receive a co-starring credit in her biopic).
Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze the possible distraction factors:
Friend: Did you do the bio homework?
Me: Yup.
Friend: What’d you think?
Me: Wasn’t too hard.
Friend: Yup.
vs.
Little Brother: And then Boba Fett jumped in the podracer and was gonna capture Luke Skywalker but Obi-Wan Kenobi took out his lightsaber and fought him and they were like boom boom bam and then Superman swung down on a rope and did you know that I want to be Superman when I grow up because that’s an actual job and he’s a real person because my friend at school told me and my friend at school has a Ferrari but I haven’t seen it I like Ferraris I saw one in a movie once and it was really cool it had James Bond in it and there was a car chase and–
Me: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP (I proceed to crash into a tanker truck, spilling two thousand gallons of spaghetti sauce all over Route 2).
And after we endure the restrictions placed on us for those 18 months, we finally get our driver’s license. But, according to the MVA website, I am somehow allowed to get my license at age 17 and 9 months if I have held the provisional one for 18 months prior. Recall that you have to be 16 and 6 months to get a provisional one. Do I spy a loophole? By this time, of course, we’ll likely be over 18 by several months and off at college, maybe in another state.
Of course, all your best-laid plans of completing all the classes and going to the MVA the exact day you are 15 and 9 months, 16 and 6 months, and 18, respectively, it all goes kaput if you’re convicted of a driving violation.
A driving violation.
One driving violation gets your provisional license reset.
For eighteen months.
What really bothers me about this is that the rule is too general. The punishment is the same (in fact, worse!) for someone who is a safe driver for 17 months and is convicted for an offense right before they get their license than for a madman who blatantly ignores a stop sign only five days after getting his provisional license.
Of course, the proponents of this rule will undoubtedly defend it with statements slamming our maturity, saying that it’s dangerous to have people our age behind the wheel. They’ll likely cite the high rate of accidents caused by teens. However, one could make the case (and, I, for one, will make the case) that this reckless driving and high accident rate comes not from age but from inexperience. Anyone is going to make the same stupid decisions when they’re handed keys and freedom, and an arbitrary difference of two years is going to do nothing but give them less experience behind the wheel before they’re off on their own.
I’d be the first person to say that the driving laws don’t do enough good to justify keeping teens off the road for another two years. Not only that, these laws do more to paint a picture of teens as reckless drivers, and you know what they say about stereotypes–if you consistently label a group of people, they begin to assume those characteristics. This, of course, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t continue to work on keeping drivers safe. In fact, I have a few novel suggestions as to some things we can do to make our streets safer without keeping me from behind the wheel:
Seth Perry’s Top 10 Driving Laws We Really Should Have
10. We need to develop a provisional bumper-sticker license for drivers of ALL ages. For the first six months, you can only pick out bumper stickers with the help of a licensed adult over 21, and then you have an additional 18-month waiting period. This period obviously gets reset if you have too many stupid bumper stickers. These provisional licenses can be revoked if they are abused.
9. Car radios must be made easily removable in order to quickly reenact that scene from Say Anything.
8. Calling shotgun unfairly/breaking or disputing the long-standing and undefeatable rules of shotgun will result in immediate license revocation.
7. Provisional license (similar to the ones for bumper stickers) will also be issued for car horns.
5. All SUV drivers must plant trees on top of their cars in order to help save the environment.
4. All families who install TVs into their cars for their kids to watch must provide earplugs to all other families who have to listen to their kids whine about not having one.
3. If you time your turn signal so that it is exactly on the beat with whatever song you’re playing on the radio, you receive a tax credit of $50.
2. Bikers are still not to be regarded as moving speed bumps, but if you are ticketed by a police officer for hitting one, he will be required to say “ten points!” before citing you.
1. Painting stripes of fire on the side of your car hereby lowers the age at which you can get a license to age 17 and 6 months.
6. If you missed this, then you’d certainly miss the road sign saying “CAUTION: CLIFF AHEAD”. No license for you.
Drive safely,
Seth
Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom, LIFE IN THE AREA, Rant
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Dude…possible loop hole…can’t you get your license is California? I mean that would only make sense right?
Awww, so many a disappointing game of shotgun. I am forever perplexed by one rule and maybe you can help me: If you call “shotgun” before the car is in sight is still legitimate?
Well, rules vary based on the people who are playing, but I’ve always thought that shotgun can be called whenever one is traveling to the car, whether it is in sight of not. In other words, calling it in the middle of dinner would be inappropriate, but calling it on the way out of the restaurant, before you get to the parking lot, is fine.