From The Classroom: Seth Gets Down To Business
Welcome, readers, to another installment of Seth Perry’s “Even I could do better than that!” Last time, I took the mayor to task about the hiring of his staff, saying that Annapolis’ teenagers would be better fit for the job. Now, a new buffoon has emerged–Annapolis businesses.
It just came out that the restaurant Timbuktu has just been cited for forcing workers to live in houses with numerous property violations, AFTER they were raided by the ICE for employing illegal immigrants. Blockbuster has radically changed its late fees policy, and ice cream stores are giving away free stuff, which is really just saying “We don’t know what to do anymore and hope that if we give away free stuff, karma will be good to us and allow a big wad of money fall out of the sky.” (Side note: If a big wad of money does fall from the sky, I hope it lands on Congressman Bart Stupak.)
Keep in mind that my business knowledge is limited to common sense and what I’ve learned from The Apprentice. Still, I know that it’s not good PR to get raided by a government agency, change an important policy without telling anyone, or…well, it’s pretty good PR to give away free stuff. Way to go, Bruster’s and Rita’s! Another bonus to giving away free things: People have no incentive to rob you–a plus for employee safety!
But really, Blockbuster? Reinstating late fees? Way to drive traffic to illegal Internet download sites. You might as well hang a hive of angry hornets right above your door. I don’t know what sort of bad business fairy told you that people would just love to pay absurd amounts of money because they accidentally left He’s Just Not That Into You in the refrigerator and forgot it was buried under all those beets. Then again, I don’t know what bad business fairy told you that it was a good idea to rent He’s Just Not That Into You in the first place.
And really, Timbuktu? I’m not complaining about your supporting immigrants–I support you wholeheartedly on that one–but forcing workers to live in houses with rodent infestations? That ‘Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel Shack look-a-like contest’ better come with a big prize. And why can’t you hide your illegal workers? Not every uniformed man sniffing out other races is as good as Inglorious Basterds‘ Cristoph Waltz. If these guys are willing to live in fire-damaged houses with sewage overflow, trash, non up to code violatrions, and–tragically–an illegal deck (perish the thought!); you can hide them under the floorboards for a few hours and avoid a PR scandal.
Brusters and Ritas, really? Do you want your employees to be trampled to death? I’m not against free stuff and I understand the business model to a degree, but when an era where bank CEOs have to downgrade to silver parachutes, is giving away free stuff financially wise? Besides, Tiger Woods gave away lots of “free samples” too, and look where it got him. On the other hand, Brusters, if your offer of a waffle cone to anyone in their PJs was primarily concocted in order to see teenage girls in their pajamas, I wholeheartedly approve. And Rita’s–again, I have no quarrel with free stuff, but water ice? That’s like a newspaper offering a few blank pages. It’s like Radio Shack giving away a TV with no screen. Of course, I still love you, Ritas, you and your delectable mango ice. I’ll be visiting you soon, or at least when I am no longer scared to leave my house for fear that a Blockbuster employee will be waiting with an armored truck to collect all my overdue late fees.
But, of course, all hope is not lost. We can still save ourselves in a time where businesses have less integrity than your average tabloid reporter, with
SETH PERRY’S TOP TEN TIPS TOWARDS TRADESMEN
10. Alliterate. It captures the attention.
9. If you have to make your policies vague and incomprehensible, communicate them through rap singers. No one understands what they say anyway, but the public will still accept it.
8. Always treat your workers well. In anticipation of a clarification request by Timbuktu restaurant, what I mean by “well” is that your employees’ children should not be able to draw parallels between themselves and A Christmas Carol‘s Tiny Tim.
7. Have a mascot. A large, fearsome, fire-breathing animal is recommended. Rush Limbaugh will do in a pinch.
6. Always reach out to the public. Just do it carefully, or you may get sued for sexual harassment.
5. Make sure you’re selling an important product. Do not be that one guy who decides he’ll take advantage of the kazoo shortage.
4. When the health inspector comes around, clean up everything that may be hazardous to anyone’s health. That includes cleaning up the chemical waste in the corner and removing MTV and Fox News from your television.
3. Print and TV advertising is all well and good, but if you really want people to get excited about your product, lobby for an amendment in the Constitution that says people have a right to have it. The US government has given the gun industry the best free advertising in the world for over 200 years.
2. Chuck-E-Cheese, one of the best run companies in the country, uses a giant animatronic singing rodent to entertain customers and employees. You should too, unless you’re a professional exterminator. Then it sends the wrong message.
1. Above all, be smart. I don’t mean book smart, I mean street smart. Because what makes up the street? Asphalt. And what can asphalt do? Bring you profits. How? You extract a chunk of asphalt from the street. The police come to your store and make a big hullabaloo, driving crowds to your business. Like I said, street=smart.
And if my business tips fail you and your business goes bankrupt, well, you can put on some pajamas, head down to Brusters, and live off free ice cream.
Thanks for listening, Annapolis. Happy consuming to the consumers, and to the businesses, good luck consuming the consumers!
Peace,
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_b.png?x-id=286231c8-d5a1-4980-871e-649e84501d95)
Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom
Subscribe
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it.
