From The Classroom: Seth on Immigration

Hey there, Annapolis. I’m back, and I’ve got a few things to say about the recent illegal immigrant roundup.

I know that I’m just a young’un and should probably rejoin the hopscotch game, but I feel the need to toss in my two cents, especially since, according to our Top Ten of the Week, the announcement of the illegal immigrant roundup has garnered record views on the website.

I’ve seen a some of the postings in the comments section, which is why I feel a little wary putting my views out here–but we have to remember that this country was founded by immigrants. They didn’t need any papers. And they certainly didn’t like paying their dang taxes. (In fact, I can name a number of Americans who don’t like paying their taxes. But no matter how much I suggest it, the federal government still won’t deport Sarah Palin and the Tea Party to Mexico.)

We keep forgetting that immigrants from places like Mexico are the backbone of our economy. Who else will do the thankless jobs–empty our trash cans, work in our restaurants, clean our toilets? Deport them if you want, but they’re the foundation upon which our entire workforce is built. If you take away the foundation, the workforce will crumble. And if the workforce crumbles, our generation will have to fix it. The generation that made Twilight a cultural phenomenon. If you want to task us with rebuilding the economy from the bottom up, you’re crazy.

If you look at it the right way, illegal immigrants are some of our country’s best citizens. They work hard doing jobs that most of us wouldn’t dream of doing. They don’t get into trouble, because they know that any criminal activity can get them deported. And they’re focused on the true American Dream–a successful life earned through hard work–which many of us either take for granted or have forgotten while we scrawl mustaches on pictures of Barack Obama.

Of course, people are going to bring out the fact that none of these people pay taxes–but the reality is, some of them do. The reason most of them don’t is because the employers pay them under the table in cash. The reason the employers do that is because there are laws against having illegal immigrants on the payroll. The reason we have those laws is because our country has developed prejudices against illegal immigrants. And the reason for those prejudices (or so we tell ourselves) is because they don’t pay taxes. So, in reality, we have no one else to blame but ourselves.

And as long as we’re harping on where our tax dollars are going, who do you think pays the salaries and benefits of the ICE guys who are tasked with deporting these people? When you add up the costs of supplying, running, and staffing an entire federal department, the cost must be comparable–at LEAST–to the cost of supporting these illegal immigrants.

This is a moral issue here more than anything else. These people are human beings coming here to make an honest living, to support their families and have a shot at prosperity. These are things we take for granted in America, but everyone should have a shot at these no matter where they’re born. Seizing 27 people who are trying to make a better life for themselves and shipping them back into poverty is useless. Congratulations, 27 less people have access to quality emergency room care. Do you really feel good about yourselves? They were hanging back, doing our menial jobs, staying out of the way and doing no one any harm. It’s like calling the cops on the dust bunnies in the attic.

I don’t know what sort of feedback to anticipate on this post. I suppose I’m going to be called un-American. But, and even as someone who’s still in high school, I know nothing is more American than American values, and I don’t know anyone who, when asked to list the core American values, would honestly say “paying your taxes”. Mexican immigrants embody hard work, perseverance, and strong will–the values that America, in my opinion, was founded on. In my eyes, that makes them just as American as me or you.

Of course, even if we begin to accept illegal immigrants with an open mind and open arms, there will always be problems, which is why I bring you

Seth Perry’s Top 10 Ways To Solve Problems With Immigrants

10. Instead of giving them the jobs that are just dirty and low-paying, give them the jobs that no one actually wants to have, such as:

• CEO of a failing company
• Tiger Woods’ publicist
• Crash test dummy
• Ashlee Simpson
• Eric Massa staffer

9. Don’t worry about teaching them English, because everyone in America already knows it. Teach them concepts that are hard for us to grasp, such as opening window blinds and not thinking that artificial tanning looks cool.

8. Buy them all Lamborghinis. Taxpayers are liable to accept a massive amount of spending if it’s ludicrous enough (see: War, Iraq).

7. We need to improve the public image of all those of Spanish heritage—in other words, Antonio Banderas needs to make another movie. George Lopez, you’re making a valiant effort, but it would help if you were actually funny.

6. In an effort to curb anti-immigration sentiments, all racist xenophobes will be stripped of all their money and dropped into a foreign country where the only cultural aspect they recognize is tacos. Let them see how it feels.

5. To combat the threat of Mexican drug cartels spilling over onto American soil, we station America’s fiercest and scariest warriors at the Mexican-American border. By that, of course, I mean Rosie O’Donnell and all Rosie O’Donnell-impersonating drag queens.

4. Instead of letting anti-immigration activists and pro-immigration activists argue, we need to get them arguing about whether toilet paper is best rolled over or under. That way, if the anti-immigration activists get confused and keep shouting “send them back”, we’ll replenish our national forests.

3. Get John McCain’s take on the issue. Most people wouldn’t anticipate me saying this, and for good reason—I disagree with many of Mr. McCain’s policies. But if we want to deal with the biggest immigration rush since immigrants flooded Ellis Island in the 1800s, we need someone who was there in the 1800s.

2. Turn the illegal immigration process into a season of The Amazing Race. It’s on TV, so people will accept it.

1. Remind ourselves that all humans deserve a shot at prosperity. This may or may not serve the joint purpose of convincing all teenage girls that werewolves and vampires do not, thereby inducing the fall of the tyrannical empire that is Twilight.

My fellow Americans…Peace out.

Tags: Illegal immigration

Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom