From The Classroom: Seth Takes On Slots

From The Classroom: Not In My Back Mall

Posted on 03. Mar, 2010 at 11:49 am by Seth Perry in COLUMNS, From The Classroom

It’s sad how all our childhood dreams are going to die.

In our school, each grade has to compile something for our school’s auction. The parents organizing the freshman class auction decided that it would be great for us to make a slideshow of the 9th graders as what they would like to be in the future.

I’m sure they hoped we would have a series of diverse and ambitious yet attainable careers.

Instead, we had a bunch of pro athletes, rock stars, actresses, and a pirate king of Somalia.

To them, I say: Good luck with that.

In fact, the only attainable careers I saw were a stockbroker (which is code for “I want an excuse to commit suicide”), a love counselor (which is code for “I want to lose my faith in humanity) and a pajama model (which is code for “I want to sleep with Tiger Woods“).

It’s sad, really, because there aren’t a lot of places for our aspiring athletes and pirates to go when their careers break down.

They can work on the back of a garbage truck.

They can work in the film industry, where any stupid idea can get made into a movie (see: The Astronaut Farmer).

And now, thanks to the never-ending geniality that radiates from our County Council, they can blow their money on slots.

It appears, according to recent poll numbers, that the idea of having slots has begun to grow on the County, not unlike an attractive-looking cancer. Apparently the voters have decided that in a recession, the best thing for our economy is to provide citizens of Anne Arundel County with an easily accessible place to feed their money into machines and not expect to get it back. Come on, people. We have vending machines for that.

The fact is, I’m not convinced that the jobs produced by the casino and the revenue for schools is going to be equivalent to the money it’ll suck out of our pockets. As far as I can see, gambling lures people who are going in on the hope that they will leave with money, then sucks them dry and spits them out. Sort of the adult equivalent of that creepy old guy who says he has lollipops and a puppy in his unmarked van. Casinos aren’t non-profits, they’re out to make money too–your hard-earned money, and what are you giving it to them for? A bevy of blaring sounds, flashing lights, and a thin promise of cha-ching? You might as well send your credit card number to that Nigerian prince who has ten million dollars waiting for you in the bank.

Far be it from me to tell anyone what’s OK and what isn’t, but it seems to me that slots are like cigarettes. They’re flashy, they’re addictive, they’re expensive, and they really don’t do you any good in the end. They call cigarettes “cancer sticks”; it’s a wonder they haven’t yet termed slot machines “bankruptcy boxes”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who wants to sue to keep this off the ballot. I’m all for democracy, and I think voting on this issue is the best way to solve it. Still, this is the same political system that re-elected George W. Bush. I’m a little nervous.

Look, if we’re so focused on creating jobs, let’s build more movie theaters or supermarkets or bookstores! Let’s hire people to shovel snow off the sidewalks! If we want to raise money for public schools, let’s put a 50% tax on Hannah Montana merchandise! If we want something flashy and fun for people to do, let’s put on a laser show!

Now, of course, people are asking if I have a horse in this race. I won’t be able to use slots for four more years at least, maybe seven (can’t remember whether legal gambling age is 18 or 21). But I’m throwing my two cents in because debt gets passed down, like war stories and global warming. I’m not saying everyone in Anne Arundel County is going to run out to the casinos and leave their kids with a mountain of debt—I have far more faith in everyone than that. But in these tough financial times, even little amounts of superfluous spending (especially ones with no gains) make big dents. According to recent research, about 2.5 million adults in America are pathological gamblers, another 3 million of them should be considered problem gamblers, and 15 million adults are at a risk for problem gambling. Gambling addiction statistics reveal that well over $500 billion is spent–each year. That’s not chump change.

The lottery and gambling target people who are down on their luck and hoping to make big money. Then they take it and force the people to crawl back on their knees for more. Is this the sort of thing we want to bring to Anne Arundel County? We’re already slaves to employment and Wall Street, do we want to also be slaves to a row of cherries? They’re FRUIT.

Slot machines can easily become an addiction, an addiction that no one can afford, recession or not. I don’t want my future to rely on whether or not some fruit lines up in a row. Do you?

Besides, this is going to be in the mall. The domain of our generation. The ching-ching of the slot machines will contrast with the hip music blaring out of the clothing stores. The flashing lights will distract us from checking out the hot girls. And the signs that promise “$$$” and “Big money” to teens with lots of disposable income in their pockets is irresistible–it’s like dangling Dunkin’ Donuts in front of a biggest loser competitor or a cop.

Or maybe that’s their goal.

Nevertheless, I don’t want to be seen as an anti-progress person, so, I am offering some practical solutions for my readers. Here are Seth Perry’s Top 10 Ways To Waste Your Money If The Slot Machine Bill Doesn’t Pass:

10. Throw it in the furnace.

9. Put it in a woodchipper.

8. Give it to Benard Madoff.

7. Eat it.

6. Flush it down the toilet.

5. Ask a government official to invest it wisely.

4. Toss it into the bay.

3. Shred it and use it as confetti.

2. Submerge it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it with a hammer.

1. Put it in a blender.

But that’s just me. What do you think, Annapolis? We already have romantic comedies with Channing Tatum, do we need another senseless thing to waste our money on? Please weigh in.

O-fiscally yours,