From The Classroom: A Night At Westfield Annapolis
Hi, Annapolis!
It’s good to see my last post stirring up so much controversy. I never knew how easy it would be to get into a debate about sidewalks. To give the angry commenters something new to rail on about, I’m going to reach into my Big Bag o’ Controversial Topics. Today, I will be criticizing (draws slip of paper) the city council for (draws slip of paper) cheating at Scrabble.
Nah, just messing with you. Although it would be fun to crack some jokes about Classie Hoyle spelling out homophobic slurs on the scrabble board (by the way, know it’s been awhile, but where’s her apology for the anti-gay hate literature against Scott Bowling?) and provoke more enraged comments, I have another aspect of teen culture to comment on. I’ve never been to one, but I don’t think our city council meetings are frequented by the youth of Annapolis. Maybe if we added free soda and dancing bears.
No, people, I’m talking about the mall, the place where everyone can go to make sure that we’re still capitalists. The mall, with its array of clothing stores, ice cream shops, and massage chairs, is a popular hangout for our generation. After visiting the mall last weekend on one of my rare social excursions (living deep out in Edgewater near none of your friends is not a productive way to lead a social life), I present you with not only my impression of certain establishments that I visited, but my review of the new, popular Percy Jackson And The Olympians movie that teens are flocking to see and your small children will undoubtedly want to drag you to.
Though most of my trips to the mall have consisted of my parents dragging me to Nordstroms, the shoe store, or the shoe store in Nordstroms, the mall itself is a fine establishment. There’s something for everyone, from the little kiosks to the scary Abercrombie & Fitch and Hot Topic stores. Whether it be fashion, food, watch batteries, or walking around rating girls on their looks, you’ll get your fill of it at the mall.
Of course, why am I telling you things you already know? Of course the mall is an exciting teen hangout because of its myriad of purchasables and its neverending bustle. Let me now review some specific establishments for you and you can draw your own conclusions.
My first stop was Five Guys Burgers and Fries, the farthest restaurant on your left if you’re entering the food court from outside. For those who haven’t visited any of the DC-based chain’s franchises, it kicks the quality up a notch from McDonald’s without losing the ‘fast’ part of fast food. Each burger is customizable with an array of toppings (in fact, having your stack of toppings be larger than the burger itself is strongly encouraged). And their burgers are amazing. Those with small stomachs might want to opt for a smaller/kids size, however, as the normal size actually includes two patties.
Oh, and those who don’t wish to die of a heart attack before age 40 should NOT get the large fries. It doesn’t matter if they’re made with zero artificial trans fats (according to the Internet, of course…and we know the Internet is always right)–it’s just a large, brown paper bag STUFFED with fries. They appeared to be trying to fit them into a cup that would fit a large soda, but that sort of overflowed. Unless you’re planning on sharing between at least two or three very hungry people, small fries are the way to go.
After enjoying the succulent burgers of Five Guys, I moseyed on over to view the American pastime of watching a bunch of hideously overpaid people do inconsequential stuff.
Oh, I’m sorry, was that too ambiguous? If you couldn’t tell whether it was pro sports or a late-night-talk show, it was neither–it was the movies.
Bow Tie Cinema‘s tickets are reasonably priced, but the food is another story. You know movie-theatre food prices…it’s harder to get a cheap popcorn at a movie theatre than it’s to get health insurance when you have cancer. Word of advice to would-be moviegoers, though–the medium soda is nearly double the size of the small, and for only a quarter more. It’s still over $4, but hey, what can you do?
Moviegoers will also, I’m sure, appreciate the cleanliness of the theatre, and the fact that it isn’t tightly run enough to keep you from hopping from movie to movie to movie all day on your one ticket.
But most casual moviegoers aren’t there for the splendor of the popcornless carpeting. It’s when you’re sitting back in your seat, drinking your overpriced Dr Pepper, and the film comes on–that’s what you’re there for.
The film–which again, teenagers are flocking to see and your smaller children may beg them to take you to–is admittedly no masterpiece. The book’s plot has been tweaked, and its witty and sarcastic charm have been rendered irrelevant by Chris Columbus. The only comic relief still remains in the hilarious Brandon T. Jackson (of Tropic Thunder fame) as Grover, Percy Jackson’s satyr protector. Those with a keen eye for films will note that the set design looks absolutely fake, though admittedly elaborate. However, it doesn’t take an avid movie fan to note that the choreography of the action is spectacular. Kids who love swordfights and wise-talking comic-relief sidekicks will love the movie, even if most of the dialogue sounds staged and contrived and the adult actors really let me down. (Seriously, Sean Bean? We’re studying the Greeks in history right now, and Zeus did not give off an aura of “I’m just here to pick up my paycheck”) It’s still a fun moviegoing experience that’ll likely be less disappointing for those who haven’t read the book.
After the movie, my friend and I trekked over to Borders bookstore–a great place to browse while you wait for your movie to start or your girlfriend to be finished in the Hollister changing rooms. We browsed through the new releases, we looked at the CDs, we even helped a woman with a disability find her way around (by which I mean we moved Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue, over to the humor section). It’s the best place to kill time, or to make out, as we discovered when we unexpectedly came across two of our classmates in a quiet corner. The Borders Cafe is very nice but too overpriced to be worth it–unless the $4 I paid for my apple tart is going to employ some people with sharp sticks to poke the couples making out in the corners, that is.
But if you get the small fries, sneak your own popcorn into the movie, and avoid the secluded corners of Borders, the mall is a magical place. There are, of course, lots of other things to do in the mall besides visit the establishment’s I’ve just described. Here’s my Top 10 things to do at Westfield Annapolis Mall.
10. Seek out the parents that put their kids in those smiling mall-provided strollers. Find an especially exciting-looking kid, walk up to him, say “14 more years, kid,” and watch young dreams die.
9. Head to Subway and laugh at the people paying $6 for a $5 footlong.
8. Try to hug the depressed-looking people visiting Hot Topic. Be careful, they might bite.
7. Buy things. Nothing boosts your spirits like a ridiculous shopping spree and a new pair of I-don’t-even-know-what-the-heck-these-are-but-they’re-some-type-of-accessory.
6. Buy more things. Nothing depresses you like a plummeting credit card bill, and nothing helps relieve your depression more by going to the mall and buying more things. It’ll be a never ending cycle of fun, until Vinnie from New Jersey shows up with his pruning shears.
5. Go into the AT&T store with a portable TV and play, loudly, all the Verizon commercials that show their coverage being exponentially bigger than AT&T’s.
3. Go into the Apple Store. You don’t need to do more than that. Just being close to the precious iPad is the thrill of a lifetime. Oh, wait. No one likes the iPad.
2. Bring a goat into the mall. When anyone asks what the goat is doing there, glare at them indignantly. Then take it to eat the annoyingly superior-looking Abercrombie & Fitch salespeople.
1.Go into California Pizza Kitchen and order a burger. When they tell you they don’t have one, tell them you have been to a Denny’s more diverse than they are.
4. If you missed this one, you may have been brainwashed by a Radio Shack salesman. You may want to just return the 6000 transistor radios you irresponsibly bought in your trance.
Any other people been to stores they like? Any people who don’t enjoy the mall and still don’t get what this is all about? Leave a non-derogatory comment and I’ll get back to you. Oh, what the heck–go ahead, be derogatory–just leave Edgewater out of it!
Later,
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Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom
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