From The Classroom: Valentine’s Day Edition

Editor’s Note: This was scheduled to run late last week. However, due to the “crapload of snow” we postponed it to cover the snow. However, it is just as timely; and as with all of Seth’s columns–another eye opener into the teenage mind!  Apologies to Seth for the delay. -JWF

Well, Annapolis, after the snow,  Valentine’s Day just breezed right on past. But that doesn’t mean I don;t have any thoughts on the “holiday.” It’s just another excuse for Hallmark to sell scandalous amounts of greeting cards, major movie studios to make ensemble pictures with outrageous amounts of stars, and high-maintenance girlfriends to squeeze expensive jewelry out of their hapless sucker boy-toys.

Or, if you want to look at it from a less cynical point of view, it’s a day to celebrate love and lovers, a day put aside for us to show our appreciation for the most basic human emotion (hunger) by consuming enormous amounts of candy hearts.

‘Course, it’s hard to not look at Valentine’s Day from a cynical point of view if you’re single as a solitary tumbleweed rollin’ across the lone desert. On Valentine’s Day (or the day after), carnations that people have bought from the seniors at my school will be handed out—but none to me. Couples will kiss by their lockers and go to see Dear John for a romantic date, while I’m stuck at home watching Saturday Night Live on the internet and kissing my pillow.

Teens all across Annapolis have been prepping for V-Day. In addition to the carnations mentioned above, the seniors also planned a Valentine’s Day dance (though that was cancelled due to ‘inclement weather’, which is school-speak for ‘a crapload of snow’). Valentine’s day gifts are being bought, E-cards are being sent. The couples themselves have been getting more intimate as the day draws nearer. Recently, I walked past a guy sitting on the couch with his girlfriend in the library. He had her in a half-nelson. You know the relationship is reaching new levels when you’re practicing wrestling moves on each other.

Of course, all of this makes me want to jump into a hole. Watching couples nuzzle each other is cute and all, but it hearkens back bad memories for me—like the time I got dumped over a game of capture the flag, or the time my girlfriend texted through homecoming (after I paid for her ticket, too), or the time that my girlfriend had ignored me for two months and simply said, by way of explanation, that she’d “been busy”.

So, while all couples—teens, adults, and the more sophisticated pairs of mating chimpanzees—celebrate their union by buying elaborate gifts and having a night on the town, I want to provide a different perspective on Valentine’s Day—that of a single guy watching the world around him turn into a mating ground.

How taken people are celebrating Valentine’s Day: Showing their love with banners, gigantic cards, and shouting from the rooftops about their endless attachment.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Trying to get up the nerve to send the cute girl they like a corny E-Card. 99 cents? Ah, forget it.

How taken people are celebrating Valentine’s Day: Hanging out, the guy with his shirt off so that his girlfriend can stare wondrously at his 6-pack.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Hanging out with their shirts off, staring in disgust at their negative-12 packs.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Reminiscing about the romantic times they’ve had and laughing.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Reminiscing about the romantic times they’ve had and crying miserably.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Lying on the couch, asking their girlfriend to make them a sandwich.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Anthropomorphizing their laundry basket out of sheer loneliness and asking it to make them a sandwich. It just sits there. Cry, because you’ve just been refused by an inanimate object.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Looking up things such as ‘how to satisfy your significant other’ on the internet.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Reading the Wikipedia page for Chuck E. Cheese.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Hugging their girlfriends.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Hugging their pillows.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Taking their girlfriends to the new romantic comedy playing at the cinema.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Making a spreadsheet outlining the pros and cons of going to the movies alone. Cons: You look creepy. Pros: You don’t have to share your popcorn.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Sharing a box of Valentine’s Day chocolates.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Eating a whole box of Valentine’s Day chocolates (if nothing else, you’ll at least be reducing world obesity when you agree to go out with someone).

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Enjoying a romantic, candlelit dinner in a glamorous restaurant.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Eating Spaghetti-O’s in front of the TV.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Going out dancing and holding each other tight.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Trying to go up a level in DDR.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Smiling when their song comes on the radio.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Buying new radios to replace the ones they smashed with a hammer after what was ‘their song’ came on.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Paying compliment after compliment after compliment after compliment.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Paying bill for a 1-900 number after bill for a 1-900 number after bill for a 1-900 number.

How taken people are spending Valentine’s Day: Going to bed knowing that the one you love will always be there tomorrow.

How single people are spending Valentine’s Day: Going to bed knowing you won’t have to wait for the shower the next morning.

On that uplifting note, I hope you have had a happy Valentine’s Day. May your relationships be long and many (or, if you’re Tiger Woods, it’s probably best to keep the number a little lower at this point), and may your wait for the shower be short.

On the other hand, maybe it isn’t too bad being single. I just got a huge thrill out of that weird sci-fi noise the computer made when I deleted something. I don’t know how many girls out there would understand that.

Seriously, have a happy V-Day. Show your loved ones you care about them today and all the time. Candy hearts are always nice.

Lovingly,

Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom