From The Classroom: Snow Kidding
Let It Snow!!!!
Christmas has been over for too long, and Valentine’s Day can’t come soon enough, so I’ve come up with something new to celebrate.
Without it, we wouldn’t have Frosty, sleigh rides, or cotton balls taking up the bottom inch of every preschooler’s winter collage.
With it comes beautiful pictures, days off of school, and, if it gets bad enough, a melodramatic mayoral declaration of citywide emergency.
I’m talkin’ about snow! Since snow has transformed from a fantasy into a reality over the last couple days, I decided that it would be a great time to do a column on it.
I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of Ah, and now to nostalgically read a whimsical description of a child frolicking merrily in the snow.
Except that’s not what I’m gonna be writing.
See, your opinion on snow changes just a little bit as you age.
Child: SNOW! SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!
Teen: Aw crap, now I have to shovel this.
If anyone wonders why our generation is so cynical, blame the scientists that had the chance to make driveways snow-resistant but instead went to work on the iPad. (Seth Perry’s Tangential Five-word Technology Review: iPad looks like it’s junk.)
As I speak/type, snow covers the ground outside. It doesn’t plan to let up anytime soon. My friends’ facebook statuses are all deviations on “OK Snow you can stop now”.
Still, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a magical allure. When push comes to shove (or, more accurately, when playing in the snow is put head-to-head against homework), we’re ready to run outside and attempt a snow war. For us nerds, visions of vivid snow-describing poems dance in our heads.
Eventually, I succumbed to the pressure and headed outside, taking my little brother and sister with me. I heaved great chunks of snow at them, made snow angels, and eventually caved and took them sledding.
Word to the wise: Take third graders sledding is like feeding zoo animals. When you are done, they will become vicious and attack you as you try to leave. Never has my shin been so forcibly kicked.
Still, the pure joy of riding down a hill on a piece of plastic somehow managed to defuse my teenage cynicism. I whooped it up, I tried to sled standing up (this is not possible), I proposed (and won) a snow-eating contest.
Sure, it causes things like car accidents and the need to put on a coat. But snow is a magical thing, more magical than pixie dust and just as sparkly when the sun shines on it.
I think I can speak for my generation when I say that we want this stuff to stick around so that maybe, MAYBE, we can have another two-hour delay (but please, do you really have to call us at 5:30 in the morning to tell us?). But what say you? (This is where I cross my fingers and hope the poll works)
Do you think that snow is a gift from above ,a greater public disturbance than a High School Musical concert, or choose the third option if you like celery.
And I’m almost finished here, because I want to go outside and play in the snow, but here’s a Top 10 list before I leave you:
Seth Perry’s Top 10 Things To Do In The Snow:
10. Snow eating contest! Sure, it’s just frozen water. But somehow, calling it “Le Snow” is so darn exhilarating.
9. Have a giant icicle swordfight.
8. See how much snow you can shovel into your neighbor’s yard before he notices. Bonus points if he can’t get out of his front door when you’re through with him.
7. If pee makes the snow yellow, then wouldn’t L’oreal shampoo make the snow have more structure, volume, strength and moisture, as well as magically conjure up Penelope Cruz like in the commercials? Try this experiment.
6. Try to sled standing up. This popular fad, also known as ‘snurfing’, is sweeping the nation, although you don’t hear about it much because most of the people who would be raving about it are stuck in the hospital.
5. Build a snow chicken. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have been complaining that there isn’t enough representation of animals in snow sculpture, so they’ve issued an ultimatum. For every ten consecutive snow sculptures that are not of animals, they will burn down a fast-food restaurant.
4. Snow angels are overrated–instead, make a snow Vishnu. That guy had four arms, how could he not be fun to make?
3. Run and throw all of your homework into a snowbank, then claim that a Yeti ate it.
2. Using a magnifying glass, see how much snow you can melt. This also sends a severe warning to ants.
1. Go to an office building and run around outside making a snowman, taunting the people who complete their office-drudgery tasks as you run around frolicking.
Remember to be safe and have fun!
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Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom
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