Fools Rush In

| January 4, 2010 | 1 Comment

Dear Chanel,esential
The best friend is getting married in a couple of months. I am worried because she barely knows this guy. She met him less than 6 months before he proposed and then they suddenly moved in together. I do not think this is healthy or safe. She is 5 years older than him and she has a kid. I am not against the age difference or the child, but shouldn’t they think more on this? As a best friend shouldn’t I be stepping in?

– My Best Friend’s Wedding

Dear My Best Friend’s Wedding,

As her best friend you should be her right hand man.  At the same time, as we get older – we do not want people suggesting things about our relationships or choices.  Regardless,  marriage is not as simple as losing a tooth or replacing the imaginary friend with a real friend. It is a strong and important commitment.

Now,  this may not be for everyone but some single parents who find a strong connection with someone may indeed jump the gun and rush into things for the sake of companionship and someone to offer support. I am not saying financial support – which does happen as well. I am referring to emotional support. I have a couple close friends who are single parents and they get attached too quickly.  On the other side of the fence – single parenthood could make a person more independent and push a relationship out of the way. Their main focus is their child and to make things work out in the best way they can. There are different scenarios for each person.

Either way – your best friend has met a guy. A younger guy. Now, unless this guy is some deadbeat, no job, no money, no potential of supporting a family type of person – then I would leave the age factor alone. My parents have a 4-year age difference, married at a semi-young age, had three children and have done just fine.  If this was a matter of robbing the cradle or her dating someone her own child’s age – then yes, I would have some feedback on that. Five years however, for the most part, is not a huge deal.

Love and marriage are about connections, bonds and honest relations between two people.  Have you been around these two in the short time they have known each other? Does he take the time to hang out with her kid and show he wants to be a good father figure? Have they begun to plan anything after the wedding? Is he always on the go? Is he into drugs? Is he living off of her or does he have a means of his own? If there are more negatives than positives – ‘Houston, we have a problem’.

A child will always change the dynamic of any relationship. Her main focus should always be her kid.

I have known young couples  whose marriages failed,  not by their age difference;  but by the immaturity of their relationship.  In generations before us – it was frowned upon to live with your unmarried partner. I disagree with that completely. I feel its almost 100% necessary for couples to live together and experience as much as they can before getting married. You observe so much after the first 6 months but you learn even more after a year. You’ll learn their living habits, eating habits, emotional stability, their quirks and irks, and you will see what irritates you and what makes you happy about that person.

Overall – find out why your friend moved in so quickly. Is she in need of support or feeling lonely or decided to just try it out? Everyone has different reasoning for the things they decide to do – as a friend, I would talk to her and express your worries. More than likely – she’ll end up having the same ones but explaining why she still moved forward.  Do not hold back from being honest to her – you are her best friend.

.holiday

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Category: OPINION

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