From The Classroom: Birds, Bees, Cops & Teachers

From The Classroom: The Birds, The Bees, The Cop And The Track Coach

Posted on 26. Jan, 2010 at 1:43 pm by Seth Perry in COLUMNS, From The Classroom

After a weekend of relaxation, I was packing my backpack to return to the desolate land known as high school.

Protractor.
Pencils.
French dictionary.
Pepper spray.

Yes, pepper spray. In this day and age, given the recent rash of illicit relationships between teens and authority figures, if you take chances, a rogue track coach could take your virginity, which I was sort of hoping to hold onto for a while (or until my first meeting with Megan Fox).

For those of you who don’t know, the recent incidents involved a 17-year-old boy and a 29-year-old female track teacher having relations (and giving a whole new meaning to the words ‘studying anatomy’), and some lurid sexting between a 16-year-old girl and a 40-something police lieutenant who asked to be called “Johnny” (Who, I’m not surprised, got caught with a pitiful alias like that. Even Michael Vick did better).

Without further ado, here are my thoughts on the situation:

Role model much?

In a day and age where teen pregnancies are an issue instead of a rarity (we’re not in the 50s anymore, Toto), it’s important that we have people that teens look up to who can model proper behavior. Since Hollywood isn’t gonna cut it (obviously), certain golf superstars have failed us (What it really takes to be a Tiger: A motel room and some cash), and even the clergy can’t be trusted (those guys have more records of molestation than the entire bearded, bony-faced, mussy haired hermit, i.e. stereotypical rapist, population of America), the only people we have left to turn to are our teachers, policemen, and Casper the friendly ghost.

We can’t be getting by on a 33% success rate. Who’s a police officer to be teaching us about the boundaries of the law if he can’t abide by them himself? Who’s a teacher to try and give us life advice while she’s inadvisably having relations with a student? The fact is, these people do make a difference in our lives–if they’re heroic enough, we try to emulate them. But, if we try to emulate this cop, the only ones happy about it will be the cell phone networks that get to charge us insane amounts of money for our all-night textual trysts. Our generation deserves a better example (I know, I know, we catapulted Miley Cyrus to stardom–but we still deserve it).

Where’s the self-control?

Yes, I’ve heard about the irresistibility of the forbidden fruit. However, forbidden fruit sometimes carries a type of food poisoning. It’s called ‘public outrage’.

I’m talking to both sides here. The boundaries were set. The lines were drawn. The unwritten rule of “Intercourse is best not had with people half your age” was well-known. What inspired you to flagrantly violate it?

I understand there’s something irresistible about 16-year-old girls (believe me, do I ever), especially if you’re a 47-year-old man (well, I can’t understand that, though I imagine it makes sense). But was there nothing going on in your head–no lightbulb, no flashing warning light, no tingling spider-sense? There wasn’t that same doubtful feeling you got when you heard Sarah Palin was running for VP? I know, love blurs all lines. But the threat of criminal charges should make them clear again. Should it not? For a cop?

People, in these situations, need to learn to just say no. Especially if you’re supposed to be setting an example for people who need to make those types of decisions later in life.

Why provide me with an excellent opportunity to make fun of you?

Of course it was a good idea to get it on at the Park-n Ride, Ms. Track Teacher. Doing it with your boyfriend in public where everyone parks and waits for the bus is a great way not to get caught. I mean, come on! You might as well have done it on the Jay Leno show–fewer people would be watching.

Oh, and our friend the police lieutenant really knew what he was doing when he carried out his little affair on a device that kept an easily accessible electronic record of the conversation. Real smart–it’s like posting your plans to rob a bank on your Twitter account.

Also, Anne Arundel County School District and Anne Arundel County PD–what on earth inspired you not to run more thorough background checks? That’s like hiring Al Capone to house-sit.

Are the teens really blameless?

You know how the saying goes: You can lead a horse to a fire, but you can’t make him jump in.

OK, I made it up. But it’s still applicable.

The facts still need to come out completely, but I’m inclined to believe that the teens are just as much at fault here. There’s always a point where you can say ‘no’. There’s always someone you can go to. You think no one’s gonna stand by you? You’re going to have a hard time finding a person who’s pro-sexual-predatorism. This is obviously no excuse for the deplorable conduct of the adults involved, but still.

I don’t mean to be unwittingly sexist, but I think a 17-year-old male could have easily physically resisted his teacher if he wanted to. Even if she taught track. Though she may have been manipulative, eventually he voluntarily entered into it, knowing quite well it was wrong. We teens also have a lust for the ‘forbidden fruit’ (thank you, West Side Story, for glamorizing that for everyone).

In fact, I think the girl could easily be more at fault than the male student in their relative situations. It’s much easier to say no to people at a distance (and the girlfriends who have broken up with me be email or chat would quite agree). There’s an option on your phone where you can block people. He’s not going to reach through cyberspace and hurt you. Besides, I’ve learned well that you can’t underestimate the wiles of teenage girls. I’m not trying to blame-shift here, but at the same time, it seems rather patronizing to say it was entirely the fault of the adults.

Are we safe?

Then, the question that’s on everyone’s minds–with horrible people lurking around, are we safe?

The answer–as long as these people are properly punished–is yes. No need to break out the pepper spray and file a sexual harassment lawsuit every time a teacher tries to put a hand on your shoulder. There will always be people who will be trying to corrupt our generation (hello, Disney Channel), and there will always be lustful people with no self-control. It’s always been this way. We’re no worse off than we were a few weeks, months or years ago.

As long as we teens are careful (this is a hard thing to promise, we are, after all, the generation that combined texting and driving), we have nothing to worry about. However, our police force needs to continue being ever-vigilant, and our children need to continue to be educated about issues like this.

Now, before I end this column, here’s another top 10–a study guide for people who want to be a teacher, police officer, or other figure that kids are apt to look up to. Read well.

Seth Perry’s Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts for Role Models

10. DO adopt an exotic pet. Believe me, we’re much less likely to become a forest-felling generation if we’re taught to love toucans.

9. DON’T fight crime by night. Then all the kids who look up to you will want to do it too, and no one will get their homework done.

8. DON’T bathe in gasoline. Our generation needs to know that this precious resource can’t be wasted.

7. DO eat tinfoil. That way, goats will look up to you as well. Goats need just as much, if not more, guidance than kids do.

6. DON’T write bad checks at the supermarket. You’re really gonna cheat the grocer out of a roll of toilet paper and a bunch of grapes? That’s low. If you’re really gonna cheat someone, cheat them out of a boat.

5. DO encourage kids to follow their dreams. Then, quickly buy the movie rights to said dreams. Especially if they’re inner city kids. Do those movies ever sell tickets.

4. DON’T set yourself on fire. Just because the Human Torch is a role model does not mean you share all of the same qualities.

3. DO pretend you’re an elephant occasionally. Kids must be taught that no one is infallible.

2. DO make prank calls. The world would be a much better place if people expressed their aggression by ordering 500 pizzas and sending them to your house. This will radially curb violence among children and teens.

1. DON’T watch Fox News, unless you want to wake up the next day to find holes have been bored in all your household appliances. Some kids take “Drill, baby, drill” very seriously.

Wow, writing this column has got me paranoid. I may smash my phone with a sledgehammer next time a text comes in from an unknown number.

Stay safe,