From the Classroom: The Midterm Diaries, Part 2
Hey there, Annapolis. I’m back with more coverage of the exams. If you’re wondering why the malls are empty and the sewers are full of hair that has been pulled out by stressed teenagers…we’re probably studying geometry.
So, exam coverage continues.
Weekend:
Studying, studying, and more studying, which is a code for doing practice problems in Geometry and realize that there are a million things you don’t understand at all.
Also, I took a bold step into battle–after the frank disagreement with my art teacher about whether strong government or sand kept the Egyptian style around for 2500 years, I decided to do what I do best and write an essay about it. I listed things that government provides that can help art flourish. Then, to be fair, I decided to list what deserts provide as well.
Governments–Stability, Freedom of Expression (especially aesthetic), Culture
Deserts–Sandstorms, Cacti
Tuesday, however, came quickly. I gathered my resolve to ace my exams, then slept with my geometry book under my pillow, steeling myself for the week to come.
Tuesday:
I walked into the room where I was taking the physics midterm and saw a comfy leather armchair nestled in the back corner of the classroom. I pulled it up to my spot at the table and subsequently declared myself the CEO of physics.
I resisted the temptation, of course, to embezzle company funds and escape on my private airplane–like a good CEO, I did what was asked of me, i.e. my exam.
That exam was, let me tell you, the best exam I have ever taken. The questions were easy to understand, they were either simple or they made you think without being impossible, and in some cases they were just plain hilarious.
For instance, my physics teacher crafted one word problem involving one of our classmates, ESPN 2, roid rage, and getting lassoed by the cops. It was one heck of a problem. He also concocted another word problem that was mostly just shameless self-glamorizing that had nothing whatsoever to do with the question. Best. Word. Problems. Ever.
He even had awesome multiple choice questions. In one, he asked whether he is described as a) the funniest man alive, b) the coolest man alive, c) the nicest man alive, d) the awesomest man alive, or e) all of the above. He had done answer e in bold font, so we knew which one to pick. Of course, I was sorely tempted to write in answer f)–the most modest man alive.
He was even kind enough to put a few pages of awesome ‘fun facts’ in the back of the test for us to look at when we’d finished with our exams. Guess what happens more during the month of December than any other month? Conception.
For those of you thinking Christmas carols, I thought so too.
I walked into the art exam and triumphantly handed my art teacher the essay. I could just see two percent of my cumulative semester quiz grade rushing back to me.
She looked at it. “What am I supposed to do with this?”
I suggested she read it, and then quickly went through my art exam (an essay, a drawing, some painting identification, about 50 multiple choice questions and about as many grammatical errors).
She emailed me later, showing me how I had misunderstood the question–apparently it was just about the style and not why it lasted so long.
I might have been better off studying. But hey, I got to use a Lady Gaga simile, so all was not lost.
Wednesday:
I labored over my Geometry test as the two proctors giggled in the back of the room like a pack of hyenas, when one of them jumped up and realized he had to be proctoring another test.
Mercifully, after he had left, the remaining proctor did not feel like talking to herself, so the chattering ceased. No more noise was raining down on us.
Then it started to rain up.
The preschoolers below us were having a concert, apparently. It was someone’s birthday, and then they had to sing more songs while some evil adult conspirator played the guitar.
It was really cute at first, but after the thirty-second lyric about little duckies, I actually wanted to concentrate on defining rhombuses and the like.
I bet I lost a lot of points because all my reflections on the test look like ducks hanging from a noose.
Meanwhile, my copy of A Thousand Splendid Suns has been getting a lot of use. I bet proctors force teachers to make the exams shorter so they can have an intense stare-down with you. That seems to be all proctors do–stare people down. We should just hire Keanu Reeves–he’s a professional at staring and no one wants to make any more movies with him anyway after The Day The Earth Stood Still.
Thursday:
My French midterm was my first experience with the so-called “blue booklets”, where we write the answers in said booklets instead of on the test. The purpose of these booklets is unknown–it’s not to save paper, since at least half of the booklet goes unused, it’s not to calm us down (though most people think of blue as a soothing color, it reminds me of the color your face turns when a large croissant, or too many reflexive verbs, are crammed down your throat), and you cannot eat them.
I decided that these booklets were meant to confuse students, because at least a handful of them wrote their answers on the test anyway, and had to copy them all back. Looking back, I forgot to put my name on mine, and since 90% of the work was to be done in the blue booklet, here’s to a 10% midterm grade.
There were some questions that confused me. For instance, at one point we had to continue a story (in the past tense, too) about a woman who was lost with no gas and no wallet. Now, we Americans solve our problems by going on Dr. Phil, but I wasn’t quite sure how, in this case, a French woman would solve her problems. In fact, I realized that the French haven’t been very adept at solving problems (World War II comes to mind), so I would have to help them out. I decided it would be implausible for Dr. Phil to fly out from LA to help this woman, so I invented a cockamamie story about a magic wishing shoe.
Who says critical thinking gets you nowhere?
So, that was my first round of midterms. I survived, my friends survived, and hopefully the teachers who are grading our exams survive. Sooner or later, Annapolis teens should be finishing up with all of their cursed tests. Expect to see an uptake in trampings at American Eagle.
Now, as promised, here’s my never-fail study guide for midterms, finals, quizzes, tests, and evaluations. It’s:
Seth’s Top Ten Test Taking Tips
(I really, really love alliteration)
10. Do not let anything distract you. Keep your eyes glued to your paper and keep working, not matter what. In the event of an unforeseen occurrence, say, your test proctor getting eaten by a wildebeest, a moment of silence is redundant–you should be being quiet and concentrating anyway.
9. Do not watch Fox News while you study for science. You may not notice their hidden propaganda-waves, but your biology teacher will when you answer each question with “Science bad. God good.”
8. Sometimes, you just have to break tough questions down. Or just plain break them. Rip ‘em out of your test packet–they can’t grade a question that isn’t there, right?
7. Teachers like you to challenge yourself with your answers. Answer all the questions in Spanish. They’ll be proud of you for challenging yourself.
5. Booking study sessions with friends is strictly discouraged. Unless the both of you are severely sedated, the conversation will quickly shift from the course to the abnormally large size of your teacher’s head. Days later, during your test, you will recall the metaphors you two came up with, comparing his head to a watermelon, and you will laugh in a very loud and distracting way. And then everyone will want to kill you.
4. A good way to study is to make notecards. Then burn them in a fire. While you are doing this, beat your chest and scream “I’M TOO GOOD FOR NOTECARDS!”. You will learn nothing, but it will make you confident going into the exam.
3. My lit teacher told our entire class to eat ‘kippers’ before the exam. Kippers are small, oily herrings. I quite suggest doing this–then your mood during the exam is upgraded from “This sucks” to “At least I’m not eating those stupid fish”.
2. Diehard exam veterans will tell you that peppermints help during exams. So do sharpened pencils, a healthy attitude, and a little sheet with all the answers written on it. Bring all of these if you can. If a teacher questions any of them, just say it’s to help you be successful on your exam.
1. Want to drag out an essay question? Don’t be cliche and use ‘very’ a lot. “However, in this case, it was, as it were…” takes up way more space.
6. If you didn’t notice this was missing, you need to rush frantically back to school and thumb through your exams to make sure you haven’t missed any questions. Also, you have to stop falling for this–how many top 10s have I pulled this in?
‘Til next time,
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Category: From The Classroom
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