From The Classroom: Seth Perry’s 2009 Teen Top Ten, Part 2

| December 23, 2009

top_10_440 copyHi, everybody. I’m back with the second half of my Teen Top 10 for the year. Let’s get to it, shall we?

5. Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift at the VMAs

I thought nothing could ignite the blogosphere like the Obama inauguration. I was wrong. After Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift during her VMA acceptance speech, the response was ‘swift’. ‘Kanye’ say public outcry?

Everyone’s status updates on facebook were some variation of ‘OMG Kanye u suck’, though I doubt most of them were watching it–I mean, if we can’t get 50 million people to watch the freakin’ Oscars, why would more than 5 million watch a show that can’t even name itself right? (It’s MUSIC VIDEO awards, MTV. Get it right. Have you ever seen a ‘video music’? Geez, I know you guys air The Hills, but I expected you to have some sort of brains.)

Makes me wonder whether Kanye believes in the old adage “Any publicity is good publicity.” He might try to pull this again. I’d love to see him at the 2010 Oscars:

“Meryl Streep, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but Beyonce is the best actress of all time!”

Or at the Nobel Peace Prize awards:

“President Obama, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but Beyonce is the most peaceful person of all time!”

Or on the finale of The Biggest Loser:

“Danny Cahill, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but Beyonce lost the most weight of all time!”

But in the end, this whole deal taught teens a very important lesson: If you get wasted at the VMA’s, everyone will be talking about you.

4. Taylor Lautner

This Twilight hunk took the girl world by storm with his amazing abs. Grrrrr. Now let me be clear–I don’t hate the stars, I just hate our generation’s senseless adoration and attraction to them. In fact, after Taylor Lautner’s SNL hosting gig, I love the guy’s comedic talent. Though I don’t care much for his abs–why any girl would fawn over someone implanting a mountain range on their chest is beyond me.

This just in. Due to the recent success of Taylor Lautner’s abs in the smash hit New Moon, the script of the seventh Harry Potter movie is being reworked to appeal more to teenage girls. Here’s a sample:

Hermione: Harry, you have to fight Voldemort!

Harry: All right, let me just take off my shirt first.

He takes off his shirt and reveals a voluptuous set of abs.

The film’s predicted gross is approximately $1 billion dollars.

Oh look, and this just in as well. In a last-minute casting change, Daniel Radcliffe has been fired and the role of Harry Potter is being recast. The producers have decided to bring in newcomer Taylor Lautner.

The film’s predicted gross is now approximately $3 billion dollars.

3. Obama Inauguration

This was an important moment for teens everywhere. It taught us that no matter who you are or what color your skin is, you can become somebody…

And completely disregard all your campaign promises.

Obama’s election was inspiring to people of all races from around the world, but I shudder to think of what his policy decisions are teaching us. If he won’t keep his word about pulling out of Iraq, how are teens supposed keep their word about taking out the garbage?

“Justin, you promised me you’d take out the garbage.”

“I know, I know, Mom.”

“It’s been 12 months and you haven’t taken out the garbage.”

“I’ve set a timetable for withdrawal, OK? Sheesh.”

And if he won’t stand for the health care bill, how are we supposed to stand up at school to the kids who want our lunch money?

“Gimme your lunch money, punk.”

“Here you go, sir. Anything else you want? Want to take away the public option? Want to stop using government funds for abortion? It’s all yours.”

2. Death of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson’s death rocked the world in unspeakable ways. The king of pop was dead, and in an age where pop music is defined by Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, it signaled the end of the world. News networks responded appropriately by ramping up swine flu coverage.

1. Megan Fox

Why am I putting this up here ahead of Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner, you ask? After all, they’re all icons of attraction for teenagers–but we must remember that girls are newly obsessed with something approximately every fifteen seconds. When guys get obsessed with something, it’s serious. This smokin’ hot teen icon released two movies this year–one where she stood around and looked hot as Shia LaBoeuf battled Transformers, and the other where she played a possessed cheerleader who killed her boyfriends and then made out with Amanda Seyfried. Those movies were the only two all year to get my guy friends talking.

Breaking news:  Because of her popularity among teen boys, Fox will be releasing a movie starring Megan Fox, called ‘Megan Fox Takes Her Shirt Off’. A $7 billion dollar opening weekend is predicted.

Well, I hope you guys have had a great year. Best wishes and on to the next one,



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Category: COLUMNS

About the Author ()

Fish Stark is a 16-year-old Edgewater resident. He likes laughing, politics, and Reese's cups. His least favorite beverage is unleaded gasoline. His two novels can be read here: and here: His stand-up comedy and amateur filmmaking can be seen here:

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