From The Classroom: Seth Perry’s 2009 Teen Top Ten, Part 1
Well, the end of the year is upon us. In just a few short weeks from now….well, it’ll be a few weeks later than it is today. But the media will find some way to make a big deal out of it. Lord knows they’ve had plenty of practice with swine flu.
Speaking of swine flu, we’ve had quite a year, haven’t we? All sorts of things have been bombarding us from our TV screens (In other news, Jon and Kate fought. Film at eleven. BREAKING NEWS: Swine flu is scary!), Internet news feeds (OMG u guys Miley cyrus took mor naked pics wut a dummy LOL), newspaper headlines (“John Edwards has an affair! Mark Sanford has an affair! Tiger Woods has an affair!”), and tabloid headlines (“Woody Allen dates alien! Brad Pitt’s secret plot to poison Putin revealed! Michelle Obama is actually a man and convicted bank robber! Blah blah blah badda badda badooba rf2oi8yuf23fnxttz!”)
Of course, I’m not covering all of that, needless to say–it’s already been done. My column portrays a teen’s point of view, so I’m going to talk about the things that were more important to teens this year. And since this is the time of year that all the columnists at Entertainment Weekly seem to be making top 10 list, I shall be making a list as well, of
SETH PERRY’S TOP TEN TEEN THINGS THAT TRANSPIRED, 2009!
(Why yes, I do love alliteration. How’d you know?)
10. Facebook and its numerous updates
Every few minutes, people would log onto facebook and see that changes had been made–layouts had been altered, a ‘like’ button had been added, and the format of your newsfeed changed so that you saw all the 2500000 groups your friends had joined (which of course prompted you to jump in as well). There was widespread clamoring for a ‘dislike’ button, video chat, an option to return to the old format, and cessation of the meaningless updates. Facebook responded by creating more. Oh look, Facebook has changed its format into another ever-confusing manner. You will only be able to view your news feed on alternate Tuesdays and between 3 and 4 am on Saturdays. Whenever one of your friends joins a group, you are instantly sent three notification emails, a phone call, a text message, and a card is sent to your Great-Aunt May (needless to say, it appears on the newsfeed as well). When you go to the homepage, you will also see that they have added a graphic of Mark Zuckerberg thumbing his nose at the general facebook public, and when you submit feedback you are shown a complimentary Flash animation of your feedback falling into a trash can.
9. The ‘Fishsticks’ joke
If you’ve had this one played on you, you won’t soon forget it. South Park epitomized the dirty joke with these two questions that everyone seemed to be asking me over the summer:
“Do you like fishsticks?”
“Oh, you like putting fishsticks in your mouth.”
I would answer yes to both. I enjoy fried fish arranged into stick shapes.
“Oh,” they would reply. “So you’re a gay fish.”
If you don’t get it, say ‘fishsticks’ very fast. It will sound like fish plus the plural of something Tiger Woods has trouble getting control of.
Don’t ask me why teen humor is the way it is. I’m just along for the ride.
8. I’m on a boat
After Andy Samberg’s boxed-up sensation with Justin Timberlake, he and his band, The Lonely Island, partnered with T-Pain to make a rap song spoofing rap as we know it. Basically, it parodied the materialism in all rap, subbing ‘boat’ for ‘money’, the boasting by rap stars (about how great their freakin’ boat is), and the incessant language in rap (I’m On A Boat took it to an even greater extreme–the edited version of the song is basically instrumental). Of course, that’s what a professional music reviewer would say. We saw it as a hilarious song with a hip beat, lots of naughty words, and ludicrous lyrics “I’m ridin’ on a dolphin, doin flips and s—”. The reason this isn’t number one? Because if you start playing it on your iPod on full blast with your parents around and realize you forgot to plug in the headphones, you’ll find yourself in a heap of trouble, and quick.
7. Lady Gaga
This star really took 2008-2009 by storm. Her catchy dance music brought her a bounty of fans, and her fame swelled (with albums called The Fame and The Fame Monster, how could it not?). I just hope that we find someone new for 2010—not that I don’t like her music, because I do, and I wasn’t even getting tired of her songs being played at every single freakin’ dance I go to, but when my little brother started singing ‘Love Game’, that was the end for me.
6. Justin Bieber
Yes, him. My arch nemesis. The sweet little angel with the sweet little angel voice who sings sweet little angelic songs about girls he loves. Sure, you think he’s a sweet little kid, and his voice (which I have so far refrained from hearing; it’s like the call of the sirens) has captivated our nation, making girls throw themselves at his feet and shell out dollars galore to buy copies of his albums and whatnot. But just look at this email I have intercepted and brought here as a shocking exposee on the real Justin Bieber.
From: Justin Bieber
To: All guys aged 12-18
Subject: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Message: I have made every girl in America fall in love with my music. You will never get girlfriends because of me. SO HA HA HA HA HA.
I’m gonna go play with my Transformers.
-Justin Bieber
You may ask whether I’m bitter because I’m single. I say I’m totally avoiding that question, because I want to remind you that there are still the top five to come! Get ready for the Top 5 things in 2009 (Teen Edition).
More to come tomorrow!
Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom
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