From the Classroom: Fun With Gender Roles

Posted on 17. Dec, 2009 at 12:25 pm by Seth Perry in COLUMNS, From The Classroom

Fun with gender roles

Oh, excuse me—did I just use the words ‘fun’ and ‘gender roles’ in the same sentence? Those are two that definitely do not go together….like ‘monogamy’ and ‘Tiger Woods’. Perhaps a more accurate pair of correlated phrases would be ‘offended female beats guy senseless’ and ‘Gender roles’.

Yes, gender roles are a part of both adult and teenage life. I generally avoid them the way I avoid social drama—by hiding out on the Internet. But today, the deadly topic crept into my sanctuary, and I knew I would have to address it. And what better way than to courageously let women know EXACTLY WHAT I THINK than to post it on a blog under an alias?

Wait, don’t answer that.

As any teenager nowadays will say about why they are with their significant other/why they are grounded indefinitely, it all started on Facebook. I was trying to understand the ins and outs of the new ‘Newsfeed’, one of the new updates that Facebook installs approximately every 0.0001345328ths of a second, and, while browsing the plethora of groups that my friends have joined that have names like ‘Snow is cool’, ‘I hate wen teechurs assine spelling hoemwurk I don’t nead it’, and ‘I like joining groups LOL’.

And one of the groups I found was called “I’m the girl. You’re the boy. You text me first or we don’t talk today.”

Call it anger over being shoved into an obligation just because of my sex. Call it resentment over having to make a first move so many times (and making a fool out of myself 90 percent of those times). Call it my being indignant at the group’s hinting at the superiority of the female race. Call it too late on a Friday night for me to be allowed to make any decisions.

But in retaliation, I joined a parody group. It was called “I’m the boy. You’re the girl. Make me a sandwich or we don’t talk today.” And presto, there were the angry posts on my wall (coincidentally, from women who were in the aforementioned ‘You text me first’ group) asking me why I would join such a sexist group.

This led me to ponder gender roles for our generation—and our responses to said gender roles (which in themselves are gender stereotypes—guys will generally just laugh a girl off when she comments on or uses a gender stereotype, meanwhile, girls will shove a guy’s head into a bucket of acid).

This is creating a gap between the men from Mars and the women from Venus, and I’d like to enter my plea, if I could—we all need to come back to Earth.

This idea of PC-ness is impeding our generation’s communication. See, there’s a long list of things you can’t call girls: Girl, baby, toots, woman, honey, sweetie, chick, and some other things I can’t repeat. Nicknames are unacceptable. Most of the time calling them by their full name gets you a weird look. If you call them ‘hey, you’, you’re treating them like an object. Call them nothing at all, and you have no respect for them. So we’ve just taken to avoiding conversation with them all together.

I’m writing this column to parlay all these preconceived notions about gender so that guys and girls can, you know, talk to each other again. I think we should strive towards understanding and, of course, equality. If girls get a free pass to be mean because of PMS, guys should get a free pass to be mean whenever the Ravens lose. Let’s go on to those preconceived notions:

Guys should make the first move:

Why this is commonly accepted: Because guys have been stereotyped to be lions—they see a graceful little gazelle and they pounce. They are supposed to be the stronger sex, the more aggressive sex, whatnot.

Why this is stupid: Because it has been scientifically proven that girls mature faster, and most guys have the savoir-faire of a doorknob. Therefore, girls should technically be the ones upon whom this burden is shifted.

Why this needs to be changed: As I said, guys are not yet as mature as girls. Such immaturity has led to a general misconception in the idea of ‘first move’, which has been construed by most guys to mean ‘the act of grabbing buttocks’. Or, for men such as me who are not quite as gutsy, it leads to awkward conversations with awkward pauses and awkward proposals and awkward rejections.

Guys are savage:

Why this is commonly accepted: Because men are responsible for most wars and crimes in the world. Have you ever seen a ransom note where the I’s were dotted with hearts?

Why this is stupid: If you dared to stick your head into the guillotine that is the female social circle, you would see backstabbing, slander, malicious gossip, vicious text-messaging fights, and alliances to beat that between America and Israel, or France and never winning anything.

Why this needs to be changed: Because movies like Monster (Best actress, Charlize Theron) and Misery (Best picture) have been Oscar gold. More recognition of female sociopaths means more Oscar-caliber movies. And that is something to celebrate in a year where the biggest attractions are Megan Fox’s beauty and Taylor Lautner’s abs.

Guys are tough:

Why this is commonly accepted: Because, since the beginning of time, men have been fighting our wars, playing our violent sports, and boxing our kangaroos (if need be).

Why this is stupid: Because women go through something we call childbirth, a so-called miracle that involves hours of intense pain and culminates with shoving eight or so pounds of screaming mass out of your reproductive organs. Is toughness required? Yes it is.

Why this needs to be changed: Because this dumb generalization discourages women from playing sports. And if I get women’s beach volleyball to become more popular, I’ll be a hero among guys.

Girls care more about their appearance:

Why this is generally accepted: Because girls are constantly touching up their makeup, buying new and expensive clothes, and doing something I will never understand called ‘tanning’ that makes their skin look like the color of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese.

Why this is stupid: Because girls don’t care about their appearance. They care about what The Jonas Brothers think of their appearance.

Why this needs to be changed: Because every minute my girl friends (and every guy’s girl friends) spend trying to uphold this ridiculous standard is a moment they are not on Facebook chat. And besides, the Jonas brothers don’t even KNOW you.

Guys make unwanted romantic advances:

Why this is generally accepted: Because, as I stated above, guys are called upon to make the first move. Generally, first moves happen to be impulses, spur-of-the-moment things. This, plus a combination of general immaturity, leads to unwanted friendly groping.

Why this is stupid: Because, at the Double T Diner, during a cast party for the play I was in, a drunk woman walked up, covered in name tags. She walked around the table, making small talk with everyone, and then got to my friend Brian*, put her hands on his cheeks, and bent in to kiss him on the lips. Brian pulled back, but it just goes to show that males aren’t the only ones making unwanted advances.

Why this needs to be changed: Because I am tired of hearing “No, you cannot touch them” whenever I get within four feet of a girl with completely innocent intentions.

Of course, these are just a few generalizations (generalizations about generalizations, no less). If you have another generalization or issue you would like to cover, leave me a comment (however, I do discourage comments from females wanting to shove my head into a bucket of acid).

Happy Hanukkah,