From The Classroom: Intro To Xmas (Jingle Bells, BUY ME STUFF)
Hey there, Annapolis.
It’s the week after Thanksgiving, and all through my place
Everyone’s gained pounds, and lost lotsa grace.
The leftovers are preserved in those oh-so-neat
Containers, ’cause that’s dinner for all of this week.
The stockings are hung–yeah, already–because
No one wants to start late in welcoming Claus.
The Christmas cards are being stamped and sealed
And I’ve got paper cuts that won’t soon be healed
And though I prob’ly should water the tree some more
‘Fore it starts dropping needles all over the floor
I’d rather stay here on my laptop and blog
‘Bout the visions in my head of gifts and eggnog.
Well, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I’ve put up my artificial tree in the corner of my room and decorated it with ornaments depicting Santa Claus, skiing bears, the Lewis & Clark expedition, Pooh Bear clad in a Santa suit devouring honey, and then this one ornament that’s just a card with the letter A on it and a string attached. Yup, I got one pimped-out Christmas tree.
My little brother and sister are collaborating on the Great American Novel–no, wait, those are their Christmas lists.
It sort of makes me feel bad that mine isn’t longer–but what I like best is when people are creative and surprise me (or, frustrated by the lack of ideas I’ve provided, they might just say the heck with it and give me money–either way works).
Are you unsure about what to buy your son/daughter/niece/nephew/grandson/granddaughter/cousin/godson/ goddaughter/very precocious pet chimp this holiday season?
Here are 15 sure-fire, never-fail ideas.
Money, dough, moola, Benjamins, bucks, dollars, cabbages, lettuce, C’s, G’s, cash, greenbacks, dinero, lucre, and gift cards.
I can hear you saying now that you don’t want to do that–you want to go with something more creative, right?
Create responsibly.
For my birthday last summer, my father, in an attempt to break the monotony of gift cards, got me some fish pants and a fish belt.
I would have preferred gift cards.
You see, the fish pants and belt were the type worn by 70-year-old retirees on the golf course. I put them on and decided I would never be caught dead in them. Ever.
My girlfriend at the time, however, thought that the idea was a hoot. She convinced me to take a picture of myself in the pants and upload it to Facebook. So I dutifully put on those pants like a retiree would (read: I hiked them up) and uploaded the photo to Facebook.
Within seconds, it was available to my circle of friends, who are apparently all aspiring pull-no-punches fashion critics.
Some actual comments:
“Jesus, seth. Please pull your pants down before someone attempts to stuff you in a locker. lol”
“ew seth why do you even take pictures like this? this, is why girls don’t like you.”
“ahhhhhhhahahahah Seth. you SERIOUSLY worry me. whyyyy would you even post this? (even if it was a request)”
“i think he wants to be forever known as a nerd. idk what else would motivate it.”
Ever since, said pants have been permanently banished to a dark corner of my closet, never to show their fish faces again.
So that is why I am here, Annapolis–to give you sound advice on what creative gifts to get your son/daughter/niece/nephew/grandson/granddaughter/cousin/godson/ goddaughter/very precocious pet chimp. So that you never give another ‘fish pants’ gift.
Betcha think you don’t need a smart-aleck freshman to help you Christmas shop. Sure ya do.
See, this is the 21st centure. Geese-a-layin’ and a partridge in a pear tree won’t cut it anymore. Sorry to say this, but times have changed. Old gifts are out. New gifts are in. So with that in mind, let’s check out:
SETH PERRY’S TOP 10 GIFTS FOR BOYS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:
10. That’s what she said T-shirt (Because suggestive humor is funny to teenagers. And Michael Scott.)
9. The Zombie Survival Guide–Complete Protection From the Living Dead. America has already been invaded by vampires and werewolves (Hi, Twilight). Mark my words, zombies are next. Your grandson will thank you when, during the upcoming zombie attack, he knows how to loot Quiznos and make it back to the house without being shoved into the oven and becoming a Teenage Hot Pocket Especially for Zombie Consumption.
8. The Jimi Wallet. A compact, water-resistant wallet. Of course, teenagers won’t want it for its efficient, water-resistant ways. They’ll want it because when you’re about to wrap the empty wallet, you’ll feel so guilty about giving an empty wallet that you’ll fill it with….money.RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE ARE EVERYWHERE. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE. DO NOT BE AFRAID. YOUR MONEY WILL BE SAFE WITH US.
7. The Think Geek Annoy-o-Tron. This is for the teen of a social parent who loves talking on the phone, because you can bet your Great-Aunt Gertrude that as soon as you buy this, you’ll be getting calls from the school asking why your child placed this nerve-wracking gadget under the principal’s desk, driving him to insanity, causing him to strip down to his underwear and run through the chemistry lab pretending to be Wonder Woman.
6. Nine ladies dancing.OK, when I said that old gifts are no longer cool, I lied a little bit. Despite being featured in the same song as the outdated eleven pipers piping, this is still a timeless classic.
5. Justin Bieber CD. As they say, know thine enemy. If we can figure out what makes this Bieber guy so irresistible to girls, maybe we’ll have a chance.
4. Helium tank. Never mind, I think I figured out what makes Justin Bieber tick. A few breaths of helium and whoever you buy this for will be irresistible. Of course, if your teenage son is more interested in making balloon animals than impressing girls, this is still a great gift.
3. Modern Warfare 2. The only way you can shoot people from all around the world with entirely no consequences. This is the best way to keep your kid from joining a gang–let him shoot virtual people instead! After all, if you’re doing it online, you’re not doing it in real life. Quick, someone invent games for sexting, talking really loud on your cell phone in the Starbucks line, saying ‘legit’, and generally being stupid!
2. Design your own Nikes. Deep down, they’ll know that these were made by kids their own age in Chinese sweatshops working for fifteen cents an hour. But they’ll also know that they helped them out–just a little bit–by choosing the design for them.
1. DJ Hero. Because the sad truth is that sometimes we just don’t have anything better to do than spin around a disk on a hundred-dollar turntable for a couple of hours.
Remember, not a lot of what you did made sense to your parents either.
SETH PERRY’S TOP 10 GIFTS FOR GIRLS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:
10. Ten lords-a-leaping. Not to be confused with twelve drummers drumming.
9. Yoga class. I confess–knowing nothing about what to get teenage girls for Christmas, I have turned to other sites with female bloggers who supposedly know what girls want. Apparently they want to twist themselves into pretzel shapes for $14 a session. Another clue to me that I will never understand the way the feminine mind works.
8. Taylor Lautner’s Abs. Just blow this picture up at Kinkos and frame it. Apparently, Twilight fans are all gaga over this guy whose stomach looks like he had speed bumps implanted on it. And if the recipient doesn’t happen to be a fan of Twilight, this could serve as an important lesson on the effects of liposuction.
7. “New Moon” Board Game. Sample Spaces: See Taylor Lautner’s abs and faint. Miss 17 turns. Your vampire boyfriend dumps you. Spend 2 turns learning your lesson about dating guys that sparkle and suck blood. Then proceed directly to the depression space. Start seeing visions of your ex-vampire-boyfriend. Proceed directly to Rehab. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $142 million dollars (Yes, that is the movie’s gross to date).
6. Peppermint body wash. I don’t pretend to know about body wash. I just run down to the river, beat my chest and jump in with the rest of my knuckle-dragging, primitive gender.
5. Traumarama. A great book she can read with her girlfriends and laugh her head off at the poor, sad people featured in it. Same effect as Going Rogue, but at a lower price and just for teens!
4. Abercrombie & Fitch Hat. According to Seventeen Magazine, fashion designer Gina thinks your boyfriend will ‘dig’ this cool white cap from Abercrombie and Fitch. According to Eye On Annapolis, teen jargon expert Seth Perry thinks that teenagers should not trust anyone who uses the word ‘dig’ for current fashion advice (unless one’s boyfriend is into 70s hats…)
3. Bowtie Cinemas gift card. Because every girl loves going to the movies, right? This gift card will be perfect for the teenager who loves a night out on the town, checking out the new attractions at her local Bowtie Cinema.Oh, and I can think of a great way for her to thank the guy who suggested the gift. HINT, HINT.
2. Sarah Dessen Box Set. You could also take some sap from a tree for the same effect and a considerably lower price…although I suppose it wouldn’t come with the cliches too. On another note, can someone please tell me where to find a novel where the teenage protagonist is living with two alive, happily married, opposite sex biological parents who are not secret agents or werewolves? Because every novel I read, one parent is either dead or divorced, or they’re both fighting.
1. Some purse thing. I don’t want to mislead anyone by making them think I know about fashion. But I’m pretty sure this thing is meant to carry stuff around in. I know, it’s $40 for a lipstick vessel, but I guess girls have an aversion to carrying stuff around in brown paper bags.
Happy shopping, folks.
Category: COLUMNS, From The Classroom
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