Eye On Annapolis

From The Classroom: Swine Flu

Posted on 26. Oct, 2009 at 10:38 am by Seth Perry in From The Classroom

I went into school today and coughed. Into my elbow, of course. Don’t want to spread the nasty disease.

I waited for someone to point at me, look at me like I was a leper, and, voice rising with fear, shout “SWINE FLUUUUUU!”

But then I realized that there was no one there. It was just me and the fluorescent lighting’s buzz. It felt so much like a zombie movie that I was mad at myself for being a sissy and not watching any horror movies so I knew what to do in these situations.

Then someone walked around a corner. After a good deal of shrieking, I realized that they did NOT want to steal my brain, and that there were in fact living beings at school.

Just half the number that there normally are.

Yes, you heard it right. Something–call it swine flu, call it seasonal flu, call it whatever you like–is sweeping through our schools like a chain-mail text message, affecting everyone. Just walking into a classroom or assembly (especially when attendance is being taken), you can feel a gaping hole.

Of course, we didn’t want to stop school just because half the students were missing. But we wanted to keep it low-pressure, so that they wouldn’t have too hard of a time catching up and wouldn’t want to come back too early.

So they showed movies. Big mistake. I mean, what sick person wouldn’t want to come back to school unless they were showing movies?

We watched Waiting for Guffman in drama class.

In French class, our teacher decided that the movie we were planning on watching was too important for the sick people to miss. So we just got background on it. Then we watched a less important movie.

In humanities, we watched The Mummy. Now, I don’t doubt The Mummy’s educational value. But it does seem like sacrilege to watch Brendan Fraser dispatch (with every single freakin’ weapon under they sky) the same Egyptian kings we’re supposed to be studying and revering. It’s like watching a movie where the Pentagon explodes in Geometry class.

In physics, we actually did not watch a movie. We just played with our teacher’s really cool hovercraft. And when it ran out of battery, we played with a tennis ball.

In math, they actually made us learn things. But substantially less.

Anyway, learning has pretty much come to a standstill. With this bug sweeping everywhere, I have no idea why it wouldn’t. I’m just glad they’re keeping it low-key and not canceling school–I mean, if they did they’d have to schedule days during the summer, and I’m sorry to admit it, but today was way more productive than any other lazy summer day for me.

In the end, as long as it doesn’t last too long, this swine flu deal won’t be too bad. I mean, I was sick on Saturday–I just had a little bit of chills and lethargy. If that was swine, then I got cheated out of the full experience, because I thought I was going to be turning different colors and all kinds of crazy stuff, from what I’ve heard from TV news. For now, high schoolers, we’re safe, and we’ll either be kickin’ back in school or at home with whatever this is. But still, if it goes on too much longer, they may have to extend school or something scary like that, so I think it’s in our best interests to get healthy. Besides, I’m getting sick of hearing people coughing everywhere I go, and my girlfriend has succumbed to the flu’s evil clutches.

With that said, here are Seth’s Tips for High Schoolers for Avoiding the Flu That Your Teachers Don’t Want You To Know (Probably because they don’t work):

1. Remember, you’re contagious. This is a dog eat dog world, and your goal is to get the disease off yourself and onto other people. Remember cooties, back in second grade? This works exactly the same way. So make out with other people. Guys, girls, random people off the street you don’t know. This will get rid of those germs like magic.

2. Flu germs manifest themselves on textbooks. The best method for cleansing your textbook to protect you from the evil H1N1 virus is just to stick it in the dishwasher, between the plates crusted over with the remnants of frozen lasagna. Then, when your teacher asks why your boring textbook is destroyed, and thus unreadable, you can reply that it was for your own personal health.

3. Do you really want to sit in a classroom where people have been coughing into the air, onto the chair, and, for some reason, onto the brightly colored motivational/informational posters on the walls? That’s a great way to get infected. Go outside and take a walk in the cool, pure Annapolis breeze. And if a teacher stops you, it’s a medical reason.

4. No more cold sodas. From what I hear from Wikipedia That talk show guy My very untrustworthy friend Encyclopedia Britannica, diseases can flourish in and spread through  water. Ice cubes are water. Beware. Lukewarm soda for you.

6. Haven’t you seen that commercial with all the germs crawling on the phone just as the kid’s about to touch it? Don’t touch phones. Ever. If an emergency should arise and you need to contact someone who is unattainable by email, rush to your nearest telegraph office immediately.

7. Sailing is therapeutic. Go do it. But try not to get hit with the boom. Then you’re back at square 1.

8. Your teachers interact with sick students all day. For heaven’s sake don’t accept a worksheet from them unless it’s in a sterilized plastic bag.

9. You know what’s a better cleanser than water? Fire. You really want to get your hands clean, stick ‘em in a roaring fire. You can even stick some marshmallows on your fingers and multitask!

10. Don’t panic. We’re doomed anyway, through one of doom’s many forms (sun explodes, global warming drowns us, Iran learns how to use its nuclear missile, Sarah Palin), so if this is our time (which it’s not), then we must be prepared.

5. If you didn’t notice that this was skipped, you might be delirious. See a doctor.

Signing off and healthy,

Hey, if you’re a high school student, parent, or teacher, or have been a high school student, parent, or teacher, or know anyone who is, or have ever bought fries from one, and you have an issue you’d like me to write about, leave a comment and I’ll see what I can do.

Tags: high school, seth perry, Swine Flu, teen insight